COCKBLOCKING MOMO'S!!!

If you're a dirty old man, and I am, you have to check out the movie Sucker Punch. I rented it last night and it really surprised me, coming in as a strange mix between "The Secret" and Alice in Wonderland. You know that I don't get too into telling you the entire movie when I'm describing them, but there were three storylines interacting following five smoking hot chicks. The way they transitioned between each was brilliant as was their use of camera angles. A lot of it reminded me of Hitchcock scenes where he would set the camera at one angle and really focus your eye on what your were supposed to be looking at. Then they'd cue the music and entire sections seemed like watching a music video that still somehow managed to tell the tale of the tape. And if that wasn't enough, they'd jump you into a great action sequence full of blood, mayhem, and hotties slashing and shooting. I don't know how no one has told me about this, but you should definitely check it out as a rental.

COCKBLOCKING MOMO'S

The flick got me thinking about a chick that I had been sleeping with a while back now because it was something I'm sure she'd really dig, and that got me thinking on an entirely different path. I'm pretty sure the two of us hate each other now; I was never anything more than cheap sex, she never had any intention of getting to know me (I feel so USED), and when she was done with that, she was done with me. I can't complain too much, my birthday was HOT, and that last time I really had her going. But along the way she picked up a MOMO exactly like Tucker from There's Something About Mary.

Every guy has had to deal with a clown like this at one time or another (unless you were the clown), you know the one, constantly full of shit just to kiss her ass, pretending to be into all the same shit she is, always doing whatever they can to make you look bad... all in the name of trying to get between the two of you, and trying to get with her himself, all the while keeping up the appearance that he's just the innocent friend looking out for her best interests. I had caught this clown several times making the most ridiculous statements that showed how full of shit he really was. It had gotten to the point where anytime I said anything to her at all, even after our talking slowed to a death crawl, the jackass would still feel compelled to one up me.

We all know that you can't point these things out to your lady friend. She'll take the "friends" side over yours every time, even when she knows you're right. And why wouldn't she? He's buying her tickets and taking her out to all the things she wants to do without having to ask and she never has to give up the ass to get it. Then she can get cocked by Dirty Big Dick on the side whenever she wants without having to justify anything she's doing to anyone, especially to herself. It's win-win for her everytime. You end up being just some jealous prick who's trying to control her. (That's one of my personal favorites actually, if you don't like like the idea of her running around with other dudes, you're trying to control her. WTF? )

But guess what pal, we all also know that it's never going to work. The minute she feels she has to give it up to get your bullshit, she's moving on to that next son of a bitch. You won't be bending her over (if she were into you like that, you wouldn't have to sling the shit you've been dealing), and all you do is fuck up my shit. And if, after months of ass kissing and buddy buddy bullshit, you still feel threatened by a guy who barely has anything to do with her... well that's a personal issue you need to look into. And that issue is this... you may not be gay, but... YOU'RE A FUCKIN FAGGOT!

For anyone looking for an explanation of what a MOMO is, because I'll be using it a lot, that last line pretty much sums it up.

There was more I wanted to get into on this, but the rant has gone on long enough so we'll leave it for later. But be sure to follow these points to stay out of this mess...

1. If you're girl has picked up a MOMO, dump her, dump her fast
2. If you're too into her to can her ass, ignore MOMO, he's just a harmless douche
3. Keep giving her the good cock
4. Silly Whoes collect MOMO'S. Real women do for themselves, they don't need some jackass kissing their ass, buying them shit, or playing games. Not having some weasel clinging on to them like a dingleberry hanging from an ass hair is worth whatever price they have to pay to them to do it on their own.
5. Ladies, be a real woman, not a Silly Whoe.
6. Guys, be a REAL MAN, not a fuckin MOMO
7. DON'T BE A FUCKIN FAGGOT, MOMO!

And finally, I promised you yesterday I'd post the video of Hideki Irabu charging the plate if I can find it. Well Scotty found it for me with a nice little bonus, The Strawman punching someone in the face. SO here you go.

Remember, you can't do Abs in 6 minutes. You can barely break a sweat in 6 minutes.

Don't get yourself caught in a Jersey Truck stop.

Later people!

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!

Much like Amy Crackhouse and Steve Guttenberg's career, very unexpectedly I walked out of the house this morning to find my car battery dead, which has cut my time, and thus today's installment, short. Complacency is a problem only the comfortable suffer, and you only realize this when the shit hits the fan and disrupts your every day flow, which is why, as The Man would tell you, sometimes you need this. Fucked up things shake you out of the mundane daily exercise.

Mahoney almost never comes to mind unless I've been out doing way too much shit that no one is ever supposed to do and I start seeing Johnny 5 rolling around the streets. Short Circuit... HEH, you couldn't have picked a more perfect title; who'd have thought the same flik could take out Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy both? But this morning I find myself mourning the loss of the great Bubba Smith.

Who can forget this classic scene from Police Academy when Hightower tears the seat out of a small hatchback because it's the only way he can fit inside of it. It amazes me to no end how much attention people give when addicts, whores and scumbags in general are found in pools of their own puke, yet a man of this, uh, stature, is quickly dismissed with a simple, "huh!"

Bubba was a great college and pro football player before making a decent career acting, but the small roles he played had a huge impact. At least the first two Police Academy fliks were great, and impossible to imagine without Smith manning the Hightower!

But my best memory of Bubba Smith will always be the timeless classic Spare Tire Dixon from one of the greatest episodes of one of the greatest television shows of all time. Watch it right here.

YOU DIDN'T CROSS THE LINE BUNDY!!!

Ironically, this comes on the same day that it really hit me how much of an influence Married with Children had on my life. The writers of the show joked that they ran for 11 seasons on the same 5 jokes, but they deserve so much more credit for what an incredible job they did. I often tell people that I'm not really into much of anything, but whenever I happen across old re-runs it doesn't take long before I remember exactly which episode it is. You know every punchline that's coming and still manage to laugh you balls off every single time, no matter how often you see it.

Speaking of those that bought the farm recently, former NY Yankee pitcher Hideki Irabu offed himself about a week ago. George Steinbrenner called him a Fat Toad for being lazy, so of course I have to show a picture of Scott Brosius grabbing his tits, but everyone forgets that in 1998 and 1999 he put up two very solid seasons for World Championship teams, and if they had the chance today, the Yanks would gladly swap A.J. Burnett for him in a heartneat.

This this now the second Yankee that's died in my lifetime, but the reason this one in particular hurts is because before Irabu I had never in my life seen a pitcher bean a batter and then CHARGE THE PLATE! That shit was fuckin GREAT! I've been looking for video of that but so far have been unlucky. Once I get it though I'll be sure to give you a treat, and I don't mean the one in my pants.

For today, I'll cut it short here. It's sort of a sad note, not the haha funny I usually post, but one I felt I had to discuss. But I will leave you with another clip. The night I was born, while my mother was screaming in labor shittin me out, my old man sat in a movie theatre watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It became my favorite movie until I was about 16 and probably the biggest reason why I always wanted to write skit comedy. It probably also goes a long way of explaining why I'm so fucked in the head!

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!

I'm not quite dead yet. I think I'll got for a walk.

Later People.

Peacocks DO fly! And.... it could always be worse.

Look at what I started! Maybe it's just the Reticular Activating System, but Peacocks are everywhere, and they're running wild!

This guy escaped from the Central Park Zoo the other day to perch himself up on a 5th floor window in Manhattan. Don't be the only one left on the block. Come hide with the herd and float with the flock....

I can't say what's going on with me, but I've been a special kind of asshole lately, snapping for no reason, getting on people's asses, it's not good. Whatever it is I constantly have to remind myself that it could always be worse. Now, I am a certified life coach and NLP practitioner, so I've done countless hours of research on positive thinking and all of that, and I do believe in it to an extent, but part of that is also appreciating what you have. Years ago I had gotten majorly depressed and lost about 35 pounds in a 2 week span, probably could have gotten really sick. What got me out of it was watching episodes of Party of Five, where every week Charlie got ball cancer or Neve Campbell got pregnant by some random stranger... or Scott Wolf found himself torn between smoking hot Amanda Beckett (Jennifer Love HugeTits) or that little boy he's had his eye on, and listening to The Cure over and over again.

Of course, if any of my buddies had come down into my basement dungeon apartment at the time and seen what I was up to they would have burned me on that. "Dude, what the fuck are you watching? And who the hell is crying on the radio? No wonder you want to kill yourself!" Still though, every week I would look at those people and say to myself, shit, it could always be worse... I could have ball cancer. And it's been a philosophy I've tried (though not always successfully) to keep in mind as I bang through life's daily bullshit.

That Lacy Chabert got really

fuckin hot, huh?

 Speaking of being that special kind of asshole, I was watching chicks fight again last night, MMA this time, if you can call it that. This one had a really hot body, and kept getting into these ridiculous positions that made you want to grab your shit. But every time she picked her head up her face looked like Warwick Davis.

I can't say there's anything about the idea of banging Willow that gets me hard. Could you imagine being in the middle of it with her, she looks up at you, lust in her eyes screaming "You ARE great!". I wouldn't know whether to shit or wind my watch.

But no matter what you're going through you always have to think about the things that you do have, and if that still has you sitting on the couch with your head in your hands like the Great Al Birdy crying "Oh God, I can't wake up!" remember... you could always be this guy!

And if that doesn't work just be happy that you don't have ball cancer. And if you DO have ball cancer, just be happy that it's not cock cancer. And if you've got cock cancer, accentuate the positive...

"Ah shit dude, you got Cock Cancer? That fucking sucks"
"Maybe so, but look of the SIZE of this thing now"

You see, it's just one big world of shit, and we're all wrapped up in it. There aint nobody clean! So it's all about making the best of a shitty situation, like this guy

Or maybe that's a woman, I can't tell. But it's a nice sunny day, she's got herself a seat in the shade, relaxing, and enjoying herself a beer. What more could a fella possibly want out of life? But if that's not enough for you, you're day can't possibly be worse than this guy's in the video you're about to watch and absolutely HAVE to see...

All I can say is better him than me. Shit, I don't know about you, but my day just got a whole hell of a lot better.

Special thanks to Scotty and Robinson for all of your help with today's post. As my closest friend from college so beautifully put it... you'll always be that special kind of asshole to me!

Don't be the only one left on the block
Hide with the herd
Float with the flock

Later people!

What's a Blow Job with a Condom on? Serisously?

Last night I had hurt my arm playing ball and had been joking with my friend that I can't even jerk off now, and she asked what would I do now? So I told her that that's what hookers and crackheads are for. But then I got to thinking about all those nights with my buddies at all those back room shit hole strip clubs when a girl took a pal of mine to the private section (private meaning it was concealed in shadow, you could still see everything), slipped the condom on, and.....

Now, I'm constantly saying that fluff girls make everything better. In case you don't know, fluff girls are the ones that walk around those big 100+ man gang bangs for porn shoots that are responsible for keeping all the dudes hard. Like my ex, they blow you just enough so that you HAVE to fuck.

I've known a lot of strippers in my time, and while I actually think most of them are great down to earth people, that's the life and the world they live in. You'd be hard pressed, no matter how high end the joint is or how hot the woman, to find an exotic dancer who hasn't taken a guy into the back room for the treatment. She may have just jerked off 6 Mexicans right off the back of a fruit truck and just grabbed your junk, only washing her hand by spitting on it, or it could be that she only does it for special cases like celebrities, but it's really all the same thing, isn't it? Even if you could feel a thing from her lips once she slides that bad boy on, is it worth the worry you have to take home once it hits you that she's been so well trained to slip a condom on before she slips it into her mouth and what her reasons for that are?

Me with Olivia Munn

About a year ago I met Olivia Munn, then star of G4's Attack of the Show, at one of her book signings. At the time she was the biggest woman in video games before trying to take that following and turn it into something bigger. Her star, and career, precipitously fell off the face of the planet from that move, showing the dangers of trying to reach too far too soon, and why you should be careful trying to expand beyond the scope of your talents. But in her reading that day she spoke of a disgusting fat slob big shot who had her come to his trailor when she was first breaking in. When she got there he was butt naked, sucking chicken grease off of his fingers, waiting for her to put it in her mouth. He wouldn't have done that if it hadn't worked many times before. Just like Roberto Alomar, or any Latin player in Major League Baseball up until 1996 or so, if you want to get into the league, you have to pay the price. So the next time you see a young star that you're just in love with, just remember that chances are extremely good they bent over a counter or took a shot in the mouth to get there. And I'm not just talking about the ladies. Just like the strippers.... that's the life and the world they live in.

Roberto Alomar - sucked dick to play baseball

Got AIDS after "allegedly" getting raped

by 2 men in a back alley in Mexico City

A few years ago my girlfriend had told me she wanted to marry me six weeks into the relationship and all the red flags went up. So I told her that I'd only get married if I could do it in an Elvis jumpsuit. Part of that was me being a wise ass. Part of that was trying to get her off the marriage ledge, afterall, what woman would go for that? But part of that was also because I'm so off the wall that the only type of person I should be spending the rest of my life with is the type that would love me marrying them in an Elvis jumpsuit. So why am I bringing this up?

My friend found this the other day in Women's World Magazine of all places. Elvis' favorite suit... The Peacock! Get ready ladies, the suit has presented itself, the time has come! The girlfriend I was speaking of actually went for the Elvis jumpsuit thing. I didn't need to actually do it, I just needed to know that she'd let me. So why am I single then? Because just like the fluff girls, she only put it in her mouth until I got hard, only I wasn't in line for the gang bang.

And so we've come full circle. What's a Blow Job with a Condom on? It's better than no Blow Job at all!

Later FuckFace!

Harry Potter Review!

A really cool thing's been happening lately.... I've been getting reports back from a lot of you about how much you liked the people that I've highlighted here in this space, which means I'm helping spread their audience. If I accomplished nothing else here than that it's all I could ever ask for.... so keep on checking out the new stuff.....
AND NOW....

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART II....

If you're looking for me to get vicious today you're going to be disappointed, I have no biting criticisms for this one. It was a solid movie and I thoroughly enjoyed my entire experience that night. Now, I don't get too into telling you everything that happened in a flik like most reviews, what the hell is the point in that? Giving a summary defeats the purpose of seeing for yourself. It starts up right where Part I lets off and picks up the action right away, which was great. I liked the way that they went about tying all the loose ends together and explaining what the hell was going on the entire time; nicely done. I didn't read any of the books, so I can't comment if it was done as well as it was supposed to, but for film series purposes it worked. On the downside it was pretty anti-climatic, especially considering it's the 8th installment of a series (that much build-up deserves more fireworks), and felt a little long, probably due to the lack of dramatic tension. They killed off a lot of big characters, but they needed to show more of the individual battles that caused their deaths. A lot it was "Oh, yeah, by the way... this one's dead". Still, the things that we done well, were done, er... well.

Got this photo here

Best scene of this flik by far was a tasty Emma Watson cleavage shot. (AAANNNDD.... he's back ladies and gentlemen!) She's going to have to get used to that if she wants to have a career beyond this. Jessica Biel made a great transition after 7th Heaven by tastefully showing off her wares (which I'd normally post a link to), so she won't have to become HerHiney Grinder or anything that crazy, but Playboy maybe? HUGE HIT THERE!

What I think a lot of people miss about the Harry Potter series, whether you think it's for kids or just plain gay, is just how incredible a feat it was that they were able to pull off here, especially in a Hollywood climate that sucks more than George Michael in a bathroom stall. While none of the films will make your eyes roll to the back of your head like my favorite porn star Monique Alexander will, they were able to pull off 8 every solid films over a 10 year span that never changed the tone of the original book series enough to have he die-hards really hootin and hollering while still managing to keep the interests of everyone else. From the very start the cast has been full of actors with real chops, great performers every one, not the sort of run of the mill slob that's here today gone tomorrow like most of these clowns today. And as for continuity, one of things that really makes me want to piss in someone's eye on most occasions, they kept the same kids in the same roles throughout the entire run as allowed us watch these characters grow from children to adults. Something even Back to the Future couldn't even pull off between one and two (Claudia Wells played McFly's girlfriend only to be switched to Elisabeth Shue, don't fuck with the babysitter!).

Anyway you look at it, whether you liked anything about the series at all, you have to appreciate when something is well done, especially in a world where so little is these days.

Monique Alexander



SO... I didn't go nuts today, off on my usually looney tirade, and I'm reserving a change up for tomorrow. But I DID happen to catch the best article I've seen in a long time about why movies are such shit lately, Everything That's Wrong with Hollywood by Kyle Smith, which you can catch right here. Remember, if you're going to read reviews it has to be written by someone you somewhat agree with. Kyle Smith here is usually pretty good and he pretty much hits every point he makes here on the head. Lou Lumenick of the same paper is a total douche, and I'm not the only asshole who thinks so as evidenced right here, Why Lumenick Sucks Ass!. You're not going to take advice on much from someone you think is a jackass, not unless you're a retard too. The jury's still out on that indictment.

For now that's it. Let's see what I can come up with tomorrow. In parting just ask yourself one question....
WHY AM I A ASSHOLE?!

Later ass!