London Riots AND Why we're all SCREWED!

If you don't know already there have been riots going on in London for about a week now. While I haven't looked far enough into it to find out what caused it all, it DID bring about this article on why, socially, we've gotten ourselves into this position in the first place. The article is written about the English, but everything he says can and does apply to why we're screwed in the United States also. Simply put, it's the best article I've ever read.

The biggest point he hits, towards the end of the article (aside from what my buddy Mike, who sent me the article, says is the best term he's ever heard to describe low lives; Feral Humans), is that at the root of the problem is that we have no Ethos.

Joseph Campbell, who was the world's authority on comparative religion, not only explained but showed, that every religion across the Earth, EVER, was essentially exactly the same, teaching the same exact lessons. And those lessons were taught through bible stories and mythology, ritual dance and so on. The point of all of it was to teach us how to be adults, and how to get by in a tough world when our mentors were no longer here to guide us.

25 years ago, in a television interview which later became the book "The Power of Myth", Campbell stated that the problem we have is that "We have no Ethos, or way of doing things" and the closest thing we have to mythology are movies and comic books. If you read this blog on a regular basis you know what trash most movies are these days.

I had read "The Power of Myth" just before the ex took off on me in the middle of the night, and that book probably saved my life. But beyond that, that was the book that started me on my spiritual and psychological journey towards Personal Performance Consulting (yeah, I like that!) But that term, Ethos, the way we do things, stuck with me, ringing in my head over and over again over the years.

John Wayne was once the ideal of what it was to be an American man. As the story goes, he was such a symbol of what it was to be American that Jospeh Stalin actually sent the KGB to assinate him, figuring his death would be a crushing blow to American morale. He escaped Soviet agents.... twice. I had never met my mother's father, but between my parents and my uncles I was surrounded by John Wayne so much that until I was about 7 years old I actually thought he was my grandfather. That goes a long way towards explaining why I have the attitude that I do in regards to what it is to be a man, like generations of Americans before me, I thought that was how it was done, he was my example.

But John Wayne famously said that "A man's got to have a code, something to live by" speaking about the importance of having personal standards to hold oneself to. And it doesn't take much more than sitting through five minutes of MTV to see that those standards simply don't exist anymore. We have no standards. We hold ourselves up to nothing.

Just like with Joseph Campbell, I tend to bring up Anthony Robbins quite often. Simply, they know what they're talking about. In his book Unlimited Power, Robbins talks about the 7 essential character traits that every person needs in order to be successful at anything in life. One of those is value, and by that he means a list of things that are most important to you. But when you ask people to make that list of these things, more often than not the way that they live their lives is directly in conflict with what's most important to them. For instance, a woman may state that the most important thing to her is a loving home and family, yet when she dates, the men she chooses aren't the type you can settle down with. And then we wonder why we're so unhappy.

And until recently I had been doing the exact same thing without realizing it. I wasn't holding myself up to my own standards, which I thought were pretty lofty. As it turns out, that's not the case at all; it's that others have none at all. Or the ones that they have are twisted.

But if you think it's bad in England where they're having hoodlums riot, it's far worse over here. Someone I used to know, who's actually from England, was talking about how they wanted to see the upcoming film Immortals. The film is based on Greek Mythology, which is still taught in schools over there. This person couldn't believe it when I told them that they haven't taught that in schools in the US in my lifetime. Of course, this same person, who is a talented artist, later tried to put me down based on what I currently do for a living because their career as a graphic designer was more "professional" than my pushing papers.

The picture that you see above you was taken from the board of my classroom from the very first lesson that I had ever given as an English teacher. If you can read what's on the picture, I had on the board The Knight's Code, an ideal of chivalry taken from a distant past that speaks to how nobel folks are expected to act. This was the standard that I expected my students to uphold in my classroom, and I hoped that it would somehow carry over into the rest of their lives.

When I walked into that classroom most of my students reading and writing comprehension scores were in the 30%. They were keeping up with the Kardashians, could tell you everything about them, people that are famous for exactly.... shit, I don't know, but never saw old Rod Serling Twilight Zone episodes, never saw Casablanca, the greatest love story ever told. The kids could tell you everything about the Jersey Shore, but couldn't write a paragraph describing what they did the night before. The girls would sing all the lines to whatever new hip-hop song they were into, but didn't understand the lyrics enough to see that the singer was actually calling the very same girls listening to the song whores, or understand enough to know that if you walk through the streets projecting that image, then that's exactly what people will think of you, and eventually exactly what you would become. And we aren't even talking about inner city kids here, these were white kids from good families.

So I broke them down and showed them the better parts of life, or trIed to. I had them read Poe, O'Henry and others, forced them to show me that they understood what they were reading, find the deeper meaning in what's out there (Incidentally, we only use 30% of the vocabulary that Poe used in the 1840's. We literally are 70% stupider). When I left that classroom only 1 student was reading and writing below the 60%, and he didn't do a damn thing all year. I made 21K that year to do so, the lowest salary I had brought home since my first job at 20 years old.

As a reward for my work, the principal threatened to sue me twice, once over a matter of another male teacher allowing his 13 year old female students to lay across his desk in their skirts at lunch time without other adults present. And I was told that I couldn't handle the students. I vowed never to teach again.

My point in telling that story is to illustrate how screwed we really are. Even when we see the issues at hand we're not allowed to do anything about it. We're not allowed set those standards we lack and teach or expect others to follow them. And should we try, we're the ones examples are made of, in all the wrong ways possible.

Which brings us back to the Brit. While this person does have a professional job, and is talented, how many business logo's would they have to design in order to match the impact that I had by teaching even one of my students HOW TO READ? How many marketing flyers are required to have the same effect of even one of these kids taking that Knights Code to heart and actually becoming a better person in life?

Yet socially, the way people look at things these days, the Brit is exactly right, they're a professional and I'm a broken puke and a loser. What makes the difference is how much money you make and how cool other people with no standards who can barely read think your work is. So even when we do attempt to uphold standards, even when we follow an Ethos, a way of doing things, what standards are they we're living up to? Is the way we do things these days even close to they way they SHOULD be done?

It doesn't matter. And do you know why?
Cause Snooki want smoosh smoosh!

And THAT is why we're all screwed!

Later people!

THE TOUGHEST WOMAN ALIVE!!!

Talk about your dead weeks. I can't remember anything going on that's forced everyone to scream it from the mountain tops, which makes relevant topical conversation pretty difficult, but this is how "credible" news sources like the NY Times end up writing puff pieces about swimming in Rockaway sewage and taco stands serving whatever meat they fished out of it.

At the same time, it gives one a chance to either be creative or pull old shit out of your ass. Sometimes both. With that in mind, this had come up in random conversation on about four separate occasions over the past three days, so I figured I'd show it again here. Is she toughest woman alive? Watch this video and decide for yourself.

In case you don't know, that's one of my five sisters making a perfect block of home plate. She's one of very few women that have ever played in the league, and she's been on the team for years now. First, notice how she makes a near text book block, steps in front, plays the ball, then turns to make the tag. And of course, how this fucking douchebag jumps through her from about five feet.

The video cracks me up on a lot levels, and brings a tear to my eye. First, she stands in there and takes a shot. Then she holds up the ball to show she held on before rolling around the ground in pain. Her knee was completely wrecked as a result here and needed ACL surgery to repair. Then her husband and I argue the play before making sure she's alright. But that's fine, she can take it. I once busted her face all over the place while we both played a pop up, she caught my shoulder right in the grill. She was out there again the next week. And I can't tell you how many times a finger would point in the wrong direction and she'd just pop it back in and get out there.

Well not only did she get right back out there again this season after the knee shredding, but she just started training to enter the Tough Mudder this coming November in New Jersey. It's a 10-12 mile obstacle course developed by the British Special Forces to weed out the men from the boys, but they haven't met my sister. This competition is just insane, there's even a part of the challenge where you have to crawl through live electrical wires, you really have to check it out. Maybe women are supposed to be dainty, not supposed to get down and dirty with the boys, but fuck that! You can never, should never, deny what your soul stirs you to do, and she's a warrior.

The truth is, and this is just my lead in paying homage to all women everywhere, that the toughest, the strongest people in my life have always been women. I didn't have many positive male role models growing up, which could be why I turned into such an over the top guys guy, but the ladies always had to get down and dirty because they didn't have any other choice, mostly because the "men" in their lives handed them the shit end of the stick. And they came through. They had to. You show me a single mother (the kind that take care of their kids, not the ones having more for a bigger welfare check, not the ones looking for some dude with money to bail them out of their shit) or a woman fighting to live her dream and I'll show you a hero.

BUT.... that's also why chicks piss me off so much when they do the dopey shit that they do. With guys I expect it to happen. There are two things that I can guarantee about the clown in the video, one is that if it were me back there he never would have attempted to run through the plate that way (I taught offensive and defensive line for years, good luck with that), and two, this fuckin douche has a hot girlfriend.

The entire "women love bad boys" deal is a complete and total myth to anyone that knows social psychology and the real reasons behind why we do the shit that we do. People are great at justifying the stupid shit that they get themselves into so that they can live with themselves, and the "bad boy" image is just a way for chicks to justify why they're chasing after some asshole who doesn't give a fuck about them either way, specifically because he doesn't give a fuck about them either way, and they NEED to make him give a fuck; The same kind of cocksmith that would run down a woman at home plate. That my friends, is all about percieved value, which we'll get into another time, but it is scientfic fact, not my opinion. Don't get pissy if you do it either, educate yourself, and stop being a dopey broad.

Back to the homage, and speaking of women who I think are absolutley fuckin fantastic, way back in January of 2010 I did an interview with Dominique of Comics Period when I was still doing my weekly podcast, Deez Nutz! The show got to be too serious, which I hope to avoid here, but this interview was GREAT!

A few days ago I was talking about why you have to be passionate about what you're doing in order to be successful, and that was my very first impression of her from the interview. The quality of her work speaks for itself and since then she appears to have blown up, which I couldn't love more because she deserves it. She wrote a piece about her first experience at the San Diego Comicon, SDCC the first time around which you should check out. I've wanted to go there for as long as I can remember, but for now all I could do is see it through her eyes.

What would be really interesting to me would be for us to re-listen to that interview and see how much of what she had talked about happened the way she had hoped.

One of the many things you have to do when blogging is to constantly find ways to get your work noticed, so you keep track of who's looking and how they're finding your page. Well, some odd things pop up here and there. The picture up top is from Bikini Girls on Ice from BGOI Films. Somehow people were finding my page from their site and so I had to check it out. Both of these sites are just sick, seriously, they look great with some kick ass effects, so even if you're just into web design you should check them out. So when I got to the page I see chicks in bikini's getting hacked up... OF COURSE I'M IN!!! But if you check out the trailor it actually looks pretty fuckin good.

In doing this piece I had to notice that I seem to have a bit of a Jekyl and Hyde personality when it comes to the ladies. On one hand, very often I'm tearing them apart with all of the horrible things that they do or completely objectifying them in a sexual manner. As a society it seems all we ever hear about anymore, at least the stories that get out there on a mass scale, are women running around acting like skanks and whores or JLo's 8th husband. And every single last example of every woman I've had in my dating life has been as if it came straight out of a manual for reasons why chicks deserve to end up with assholes and treated like shit.

On the other hand, pretty much everything that I've shown off in this spot, links and shouts and everything else, has been for women. That wasn't done by design and certainly not trying to get with any of them (something I've long ago stopped bothering with), but because these were people that were doing things I'm really into and thought I could help. And when it comes to my family and friends, I could never hope to have anyone better in my life than the ladies that I do. I guess what it really shows is the disparity between how truly great and terrible women can be and the many reasons for it.

I can't and won't appologize for talking about (or showing) tits and ass ("Hugo Posh isn't just tits, he isn't just ass... well... Hugo Posh is those things..."), afterall, I AM a guys guy, and I love tits, and I love ass.

But what I'd really like is to hear from all you, as comments on this post, or comments on the facebook links, some more great stories about the toughest, or the best, women that are or have been in your life.

So today wasn't Crazy Asshole me, to be honest I've felt like shit the last few days and all that ranting takes its share of energy. I could use someone to pick me up, dust me off, kick me in the ass and get me back out there.

Back home we call that a good woman.

Later People!

You Can't Argue With an Idiot!

That's what my Uncle always used to tell me. You can't argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Though it could be put just as easily that you shouldn't argue with the ignorant. Now, I grew up with nothing, had nothing for most of my life, but I've been lucky enough to have a great deal of experiences, first hand, that have changed my perspective on how I look at things. The truth of the matter is though, nothing that I know means a thing, because I still have nothing, and as this video here will prove, people will only listen to others that they think have a certain amount of authority over them.

For a good chunk of my life I was stuck surrounded by the type of jackass that never knew shit about shit, never had an experience outside of their own neighborhood, never had to know the fear of choosing between paying the rent or eating, and on the rare occasion they did go somewhere outside of their own backyard, it would be to a Cancun resort, or a spring break. Staying at a hotel at a beach does not a world traveler make, no matter where that beach is. The problem is that every single other jackass they encounter in their life is that same kind of jackass, doesn't know shit about shit, never been out there in the real world, so they encourage each other into the belief that this is how it is. And they're the SHIT! Because they're too stupid, or sheltered, or inexperienced to know otherwise. Sound familiar?

Yeah, a good portion of my life was like living in an episode of Jersey Shore. The people I was surrounded by were exactly this sort of retard (And if you like that shit, guess what....). I once knew a guy that swore everything in the world, ever, was invented in Italy. But when you're not part of Club Special Ed, but still feel compelled to shine a little light on these fucktards, it will cause nothing but problems for you. Take 3 morons that have no clue about anything other than what goes on inside of that bag pulled over their heads, but have them agree with one another, and soon they'll be tearing you apart; you're the fucking idiot no matter what the facts say. This is the same exact shit that kept the earth flat, the sun revolving around the earth, Black's 3/5 a person and Jews the reason for the downfall of man everywhere for centuries. Why couldn't that bag over their heads be plastic?

But what brings this on today isn't the fuckin mental midgets that a lot of us have to escape before we're ever able to find acceptance, success or real happiness. No, what brings this on is another animal, one possibly far worse, and by that I mean pseudo-intellectual Brooklynites. Not the ones born and raised in Bed-Sty or Bensonhurst, but the ones transplanted from whatever white boy world they came from to be as "cool" as they want to be. Of course, they could be Manhattanites too, or transplanted to Boston or Philly, what have you, it's all the same. I'm talking about those hipster clowns (Funny, hipsters... they all swear they're not hipsters....). The ones who gather from their small corners and come together (because they really all do settle in the same trendy areas) to stroke each other and call themselves New Yorkers because they've lived here for a short time, all the while looking down on the natives as if we're all that fucking idiot from the Jersey Shore.



I had spoken earlier about Cockblocking Momos, and when I went to share something in the article I saw that this had been posted about surfing at Rockaway Beach by the exact kind of jackass I was just going on about. It brought me back to a previous conversation where I had to explain why surfing at Rockaway Beach was one of the nastiest things that I've ever heard. I've lived within a 15 minute ride of that Beach for most of my life, and most people who have know exactly how disgusting and polluted that water is. To make a long story short, my friend Michelle put it best when she said "I wouldn't take a SHIT in that water". The response I got to my warning was a posting from the NYC board of health stating the beaches were clean.

I've never been to Blarney Castle to kiss the Blarny Stone, but I've heard from several reliable sources that would know much more than I do that one of the great gags of the area is that some of the local townsfolk often like to get loaded and piss all over the thing in the middle of the night, knowing that tourists are coming in to touch their lips to it. How true that is I don't know, but do you honestly think an area that bases a large portion of their economy on you kissing the back end of their rocks for luck would ever want you to find out that Townie Fuckface and his five brothers have a regular Friday night circle jerk all over their stone of destiny? That kind of news getting out would ruin them.

And by the same principal, is the New York City board of health going to tell millions of people during the hottest days of the year that their beaches are too filthy and polluted to go near? Ah, take a nice swim at the beach (warning, sand covered in aids syringes and the water could give you cancer). FUCK NO they wouldn't, that shit causes riots and mass hysteria. That sort of news is only released when there's no other choice, when it's right out there and noticeable, which incidentally, has happened several times over the years at Rockaway Beach.

But surely if an article is in the New York times (the most credible news source of all because they NEVER make up their own facts) then it must be true, right? Articles written by writers who aren't from around here about people from Japan doing what very few that actually grew up near that beach would even DARE is all the proof one needs. I guess I don't know what I'm talking about after all.

I still have nothing, nothing but this blog, you good fans, and a degree in Social Science, which qualifies me to speak about these exact things. But even the points I make on matters I've studied extensively meet the toughest resistance from even my closest friends, because as Milgrim said, I don't appear to be coming from a position of authority, so what the fuck do I know?

But take this lesson from the once great Chevy Chase on why you should ALWAYS listen to other people who may know more about certain things from real life experience and the consequences of thinking you know more than they do

 You could end up with balls in your mouth. You'd be lucky if that's all it is.

The bottom line though is that fighting with these people will only give you a headache and possibly drive you to the top of a bell tower. They'll never learn because they really don't want to, there's comfort in thinking you know everything, even when you don't know shit at all. And much like proving the earth is round, showing them and forcing them to believe it can be a monumental task that leaves your life in shambles.

Then again.... the greatest leaps forward in the history of man have come from proving the idiots wrong.

Just don't waste your time or energy on them, getting caught up in the fight.

Later People!

King of the Crazy Asshole's and the Planet of the Apes

Rise of the Planet of the Apes, or the true life story of why people suck, really surprised me this weekend. With the combination of how Hollywood destroys every old classic it can get it's hands on, and how much James Franco sucks balls (pretty much everything he's in blows), I was expecting this to suck more Tera Patrick on a quest for an AVN award. But it was really a very solid movie all around. The only real knock I have against it is, unless San Francisco is the world's capital for chimp experimentation, an Ape Auswitch if you will, where they got all the damn apes that are running around is a mystery. Still though, the acting was solid, good action when it needed it, with a well done storyline built on a premise that could actually make sense if it were to happen in real life. Had I seen this at home on video I probably would have thought it was great, but as it is, especially if you're a fan of the five original films, I think this is something worth checking out. Even with theatre prices I enjoyed my experience. (Click the AVN link, it's HOT!)

This one's going to be a little different today.

Last week I went on about the movie Sucker Punch, and how much I was really into that flik. Well it seems that it wasn't done with me, and taught me a valuable lesson. When I went to return the video to the Red Box (what's not to love about Red Box) there was a couple looking for something to watch. As I stood waiting, the DVD in my hand, I pointed the movie out to the guy and told him "if you're into trippy shit, check this one out."

Now, from a social dynamics point of view I did everything right if you want to open a set. If you follow the notion that 'what's in the way IS the way', you have to start talking to the biggest pain in the ass there, and once they accept you you've got easy access to their friends. So once this guy sees I'm just talking about a flik and not making a move on his girl, sure enough he lets her and I get into it, and sure enough she's looking at me like she wants to take me behind the dumpster and, uh....  

(I highly suggest you read The Mystery Method, written by master Pick Up Artist Mystery. I've had to read a lot on social dynamics and why we choose they people we do in our lives, but this is by far the best of them. Everything he talks about is 1000% scientifically based and backed, and is proven to work most of the time)

Master PUA Mystery.

Don't let the hat fool you,

this guy's a god damned genius!

But the truth is, I wasn't thinking about any of that. It was just something that I happened to enjoy so much that my passion took over and I was able to sell them on the flik because I wasn't trying to sell them anything at all. I wasn't being full of shit, I was genuinely psyched to be able to share something with complete strangers because of how much I loved it, and it was all completely natural, free and easy.

AND THAT'S WHERE IT HIT ME! Most of the time when we need people to buy into what we're doing, whatever the situation, selling yourself to a girl you're trying to pick up, bringing in customers to a business, come see my show, buy my album, listen to my podcast, read my blog, yada yada yada, we're so concerned with the end result, with getting what we want out of them, that that becomes our focus rather than how great we actually think the thing we're showing them is. And because of that it all seems forced and unnatural, like pulling teeth. What person in their right mind is going to invest any of their time, money or back end goodies into anything that you made sound awkward and painful? NOBODY!!!

For nearly two years I've been struggling to get my books VPI the Saga Begins and A Loaded Portrait, two excellent books that you'd really enjoy if you read this blog, to sell without any clue of what I've been doing wrong. But what's the biggest selling point to anything? What has gotten you, far beyond any other factor, to check out new things that you never would have considered before?

It's some random jackass telling you "That shit was GREAT! You NEED to see this shit!" so full of passion that you can see their eyes light up, and they're so excited, so into it that you start to get pumped up for it yourself. And when something resonates with you so strongly, like a film from the red box, that you get that pumped to tell people about it, even though it's not your work and you have nothing to gain.... well, that's the exact effect we're all going for isn't it? That's where stars are born. And that's why every success guru in all the land will tell you that the number one thing that every person must have in order to "make it" is pure unbridled passion for what they're doing. Because how can you get anyone else so pumped about what you do if you don't feel that way about it yourself?

And that brings me to myself, this blog, and you. For most of my life I've been worried if I'd ever find my audience, ever find my group of people, find where I fit in. I've always been confident in my ability to write, but never in getting others to hear what I had to say. Most of my life everyone around has dismissed me, "You're just a crazy asshole."

In the short time that I've been doing this, however, I've come to realize how much I love to do so. And though the audience to now has been small, many of you have told me that you look forward to it every day. As an artist, I don't know what greater praise one can ever receive. Maybe I am just a Crazy Asshole, but I've come to embrace that, and many of you have told me how much you think along the same lines as I do. So the lesson is this... don't worry about where you fit in, who you're allowed to play with, that will only get you a boatload of wasted talent, low self esteem and heartache. BE a Crazy Asshole, and other like asshole's will find you. But always do your thing regardless of the critics, then you start you're own group.

And please tell people about this page, but only if you love it as much as I do.

As long as I have a handful of people looking forward to reading this page, and I enjoy doing, you'll be hearing from me... the King of the Crazy Assholes!

And now I leave you with some Tom Petty, Learning to Fly. It seems fitting.

Later People!

COCKBLOCKING MOMO'S!!!

If you're a dirty old man, and I am, you have to check out the movie Sucker Punch. I rented it last night and it really surprised me, coming in as a strange mix between "The Secret" and Alice in Wonderland. You know that I don't get too into telling you the entire movie when I'm describing them, but there were three storylines interacting following five smoking hot chicks. The way they transitioned between each was brilliant as was their use of camera angles. A lot of it reminded me of Hitchcock scenes where he would set the camera at one angle and really focus your eye on what your were supposed to be looking at. Then they'd cue the music and entire sections seemed like watching a music video that still somehow managed to tell the tale of the tape. And if that wasn't enough, they'd jump you into a great action sequence full of blood, mayhem, and hotties slashing and shooting. I don't know how no one has told me about this, but you should definitely check it out as a rental.

COCKBLOCKING MOMO'S

The flick got me thinking about a chick that I had been sleeping with a while back now because it was something I'm sure she'd really dig, and that got me thinking on an entirely different path. I'm pretty sure the two of us hate each other now; I was never anything more than cheap sex, she never had any intention of getting to know me (I feel so USED), and when she was done with that, she was done with me. I can't complain too much, my birthday was HOT, and that last time I really had her going. But along the way she picked up a MOMO exactly like Tucker from There's Something About Mary.

Every guy has had to deal with a clown like this at one time or another (unless you were the clown), you know the one, constantly full of shit just to kiss her ass, pretending to be into all the same shit she is, always doing whatever they can to make you look bad... all in the name of trying to get between the two of you, and trying to get with her himself, all the while keeping up the appearance that he's just the innocent friend looking out for her best interests. I had caught this clown several times making the most ridiculous statements that showed how full of shit he really was. It had gotten to the point where anytime I said anything to her at all, even after our talking slowed to a death crawl, the jackass would still feel compelled to one up me.

We all know that you can't point these things out to your lady friend. She'll take the "friends" side over yours every time, even when she knows you're right. And why wouldn't she? He's buying her tickets and taking her out to all the things she wants to do without having to ask and she never has to give up the ass to get it. Then she can get cocked by Dirty Big Dick on the side whenever she wants without having to justify anything she's doing to anyone, especially to herself. It's win-win for her everytime. You end up being just some jealous prick who's trying to control her. (That's one of my personal favorites actually, if you don't like like the idea of her running around with other dudes, you're trying to control her. WTF? )

But guess what pal, we all also know that it's never going to work. The minute she feels she has to give it up to get your bullshit, she's moving on to that next son of a bitch. You won't be bending her over (if she were into you like that, you wouldn't have to sling the shit you've been dealing), and all you do is fuck up my shit. And if, after months of ass kissing and buddy buddy bullshit, you still feel threatened by a guy who barely has anything to do with her... well that's a personal issue you need to look into. And that issue is this... you may not be gay, but... YOU'RE A FUCKIN FAGGOT!

For anyone looking for an explanation of what a MOMO is, because I'll be using it a lot, that last line pretty much sums it up.

There was more I wanted to get into on this, but the rant has gone on long enough so we'll leave it for later. But be sure to follow these points to stay out of this mess...

1. If you're girl has picked up a MOMO, dump her, dump her fast
2. If you're too into her to can her ass, ignore MOMO, he's just a harmless douche
3. Keep giving her the good cock
4. Silly Whoes collect MOMO'S. Real women do for themselves, they don't need some jackass kissing their ass, buying them shit, or playing games. Not having some weasel clinging on to them like a dingleberry hanging from an ass hair is worth whatever price they have to pay to them to do it on their own.
5. Ladies, be a real woman, not a Silly Whoe.
6. Guys, be a REAL MAN, not a fuckin MOMO
7. DON'T BE A FUCKIN FAGGOT, MOMO!

And finally, I promised you yesterday I'd post the video of Hideki Irabu charging the plate if I can find it. Well Scotty found it for me with a nice little bonus, The Strawman punching someone in the face. SO here you go.

Remember, you can't do Abs in 6 minutes. You can barely break a sweat in 6 minutes.

Don't get yourself caught in a Jersey Truck stop.

Later people!

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!

Much like Amy Crackhouse and Steve Guttenberg's career, very unexpectedly I walked out of the house this morning to find my car battery dead, which has cut my time, and thus today's installment, short. Complacency is a problem only the comfortable suffer, and you only realize this when the shit hits the fan and disrupts your every day flow, which is why, as The Man would tell you, sometimes you need this. Fucked up things shake you out of the mundane daily exercise.

Mahoney almost never comes to mind unless I've been out doing way too much shit that no one is ever supposed to do and I start seeing Johnny 5 rolling around the streets. Short Circuit... HEH, you couldn't have picked a more perfect title; who'd have thought the same flik could take out Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy both? But this morning I find myself mourning the loss of the great Bubba Smith.

Who can forget this classic scene from Police Academy when Hightower tears the seat out of a small hatchback because it's the only way he can fit inside of it. It amazes me to no end how much attention people give when addicts, whores and scumbags in general are found in pools of their own puke, yet a man of this, uh, stature, is quickly dismissed with a simple, "huh!"

Bubba was a great college and pro football player before making a decent career acting, but the small roles he played had a huge impact. At least the first two Police Academy fliks were great, and impossible to imagine without Smith manning the Hightower!

But my best memory of Bubba Smith will always be the timeless classic Spare Tire Dixon from one of the greatest episodes of one of the greatest television shows of all time. Watch it right here.

YOU DIDN'T CROSS THE LINE BUNDY!!!

Ironically, this comes on the same day that it really hit me how much of an influence Married with Children had on my life. The writers of the show joked that they ran for 11 seasons on the same 5 jokes, but they deserve so much more credit for what an incredible job they did. I often tell people that I'm not really into much of anything, but whenever I happen across old re-runs it doesn't take long before I remember exactly which episode it is. You know every punchline that's coming and still manage to laugh you balls off every single time, no matter how often you see it.

Speaking of those that bought the farm recently, former NY Yankee pitcher Hideki Irabu offed himself about a week ago. George Steinbrenner called him a Fat Toad for being lazy, so of course I have to show a picture of Scott Brosius grabbing his tits, but everyone forgets that in 1998 and 1999 he put up two very solid seasons for World Championship teams, and if they had the chance today, the Yanks would gladly swap A.J. Burnett for him in a heartneat.

This this now the second Yankee that's died in my lifetime, but the reason this one in particular hurts is because before Irabu I had never in my life seen a pitcher bean a batter and then CHARGE THE PLATE! That shit was fuckin GREAT! I've been looking for video of that but so far have been unlucky. Once I get it though I'll be sure to give you a treat, and I don't mean the one in my pants.

For today, I'll cut it short here. It's sort of a sad note, not the haha funny I usually post, but one I felt I had to discuss. But I will leave you with another clip. The night I was born, while my mother was screaming in labor shittin me out, my old man sat in a movie theatre watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It became my favorite movie until I was about 16 and probably the biggest reason why I always wanted to write skit comedy. It probably also goes a long way of explaining why I'm so fucked in the head!

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!

I'm not quite dead yet. I think I'll got for a walk.

Later People.

Peacocks DO fly! And.... it could always be worse.

Look at what I started! Maybe it's just the Reticular Activating System, but Peacocks are everywhere, and they're running wild!

This guy escaped from the Central Park Zoo the other day to perch himself up on a 5th floor window in Manhattan. Don't be the only one left on the block. Come hide with the herd and float with the flock....

I can't say what's going on with me, but I've been a special kind of asshole lately, snapping for no reason, getting on people's asses, it's not good. Whatever it is I constantly have to remind myself that it could always be worse. Now, I am a certified life coach and NLP practitioner, so I've done countless hours of research on positive thinking and all of that, and I do believe in it to an extent, but part of that is also appreciating what you have. Years ago I had gotten majorly depressed and lost about 35 pounds in a 2 week span, probably could have gotten really sick. What got me out of it was watching episodes of Party of Five, where every week Charlie got ball cancer or Neve Campbell got pregnant by some random stranger... or Scott Wolf found himself torn between smoking hot Amanda Beckett (Jennifer Love HugeTits) or that little boy he's had his eye on, and listening to The Cure over and over again.

Of course, if any of my buddies had come down into my basement dungeon apartment at the time and seen what I was up to they would have burned me on that. "Dude, what the fuck are you watching? And who the hell is crying on the radio? No wonder you want to kill yourself!" Still though, every week I would look at those people and say to myself, shit, it could always be worse... I could have ball cancer. And it's been a philosophy I've tried (though not always successfully) to keep in mind as I bang through life's daily bullshit.

That Lacy Chabert got really

fuckin hot, huh?

 Speaking of being that special kind of asshole, I was watching chicks fight again last night, MMA this time, if you can call it that. This one had a really hot body, and kept getting into these ridiculous positions that made you want to grab your shit. But every time she picked her head up her face looked like Warwick Davis.

I can't say there's anything about the idea of banging Willow that gets me hard. Could you imagine being in the middle of it with her, she looks up at you, lust in her eyes screaming "You ARE great!". I wouldn't know whether to shit or wind my watch.

But no matter what you're going through you always have to think about the things that you do have, and if that still has you sitting on the couch with your head in your hands like the Great Al Birdy crying "Oh God, I can't wake up!" remember... you could always be this guy!

And if that doesn't work just be happy that you don't have ball cancer. And if you DO have ball cancer, just be happy that it's not cock cancer. And if you've got cock cancer, accentuate the positive...

"Ah shit dude, you got Cock Cancer? That fucking sucks"
"Maybe so, but look of the SIZE of this thing now"

You see, it's just one big world of shit, and we're all wrapped up in it. There aint nobody clean! So it's all about making the best of a shitty situation, like this guy

Or maybe that's a woman, I can't tell. But it's a nice sunny day, she's got herself a seat in the shade, relaxing, and enjoying herself a beer. What more could a fella possibly want out of life? But if that's not enough for you, you're day can't possibly be worse than this guy's in the video you're about to watch and absolutely HAVE to see...

All I can say is better him than me. Shit, I don't know about you, but my day just got a whole hell of a lot better.

Special thanks to Scotty and Robinson for all of your help with today's post. As my closest friend from college so beautifully put it... you'll always be that special kind of asshole to me!

Don't be the only one left on the block
Hide with the herd
Float with the flock

Later people!

What's a Blow Job with a Condom on? Serisously?

Last night I had hurt my arm playing ball and had been joking with my friend that I can't even jerk off now, and she asked what would I do now? So I told her that that's what hookers and crackheads are for. But then I got to thinking about all those nights with my buddies at all those back room shit hole strip clubs when a girl took a pal of mine to the private section (private meaning it was concealed in shadow, you could still see everything), slipped the condom on, and.....

Now, I'm constantly saying that fluff girls make everything better. In case you don't know, fluff girls are the ones that walk around those big 100+ man gang bangs for porn shoots that are responsible for keeping all the dudes hard. Like my ex, they blow you just enough so that you HAVE to fuck.

I've known a lot of strippers in my time, and while I actually think most of them are great down to earth people, that's the life and the world they live in. You'd be hard pressed, no matter how high end the joint is or how hot the woman, to find an exotic dancer who hasn't taken a guy into the back room for the treatment. She may have just jerked off 6 Mexicans right off the back of a fruit truck and just grabbed your junk, only washing her hand by spitting on it, or it could be that she only does it for special cases like celebrities, but it's really all the same thing, isn't it? Even if you could feel a thing from her lips once she slides that bad boy on, is it worth the worry you have to take home once it hits you that she's been so well trained to slip a condom on before she slips it into her mouth and what her reasons for that are?

Me with Olivia Munn

About a year ago I met Olivia Munn, then star of G4's Attack of the Show, at one of her book signings. At the time she was the biggest woman in video games before trying to take that following and turn it into something bigger. Her star, and career, precipitously fell off the face of the planet from that move, showing the dangers of trying to reach too far too soon, and why you should be careful trying to expand beyond the scope of your talents. But in her reading that day she spoke of a disgusting fat slob big shot who had her come to his trailor when she was first breaking in. When she got there he was butt naked, sucking chicken grease off of his fingers, waiting for her to put it in her mouth. He wouldn't have done that if it hadn't worked many times before. Just like Roberto Alomar, or any Latin player in Major League Baseball up until 1996 or so, if you want to get into the league, you have to pay the price. So the next time you see a young star that you're just in love with, just remember that chances are extremely good they bent over a counter or took a shot in the mouth to get there. And I'm not just talking about the ladies. Just like the strippers.... that's the life and the world they live in.

Roberto Alomar - sucked dick to play baseball

Got AIDS after "allegedly" getting raped

by 2 men in a back alley in Mexico City

A few years ago my girlfriend had told me she wanted to marry me six weeks into the relationship and all the red flags went up. So I told her that I'd only get married if I could do it in an Elvis jumpsuit. Part of that was me being a wise ass. Part of that was trying to get her off the marriage ledge, afterall, what woman would go for that? But part of that was also because I'm so off the wall that the only type of person I should be spending the rest of my life with is the type that would love me marrying them in an Elvis jumpsuit. So why am I bringing this up?

My friend found this the other day in Women's World Magazine of all places. Elvis' favorite suit... The Peacock! Get ready ladies, the suit has presented itself, the time has come! The girlfriend I was speaking of actually went for the Elvis jumpsuit thing. I didn't need to actually do it, I just needed to know that she'd let me. So why am I single then? Because just like the fluff girls, she only put it in her mouth until I got hard, only I wasn't in line for the gang bang.

And so we've come full circle. What's a Blow Job with a Condom on? It's better than no Blow Job at all!

Later FuckFace!

Harry Potter Review!

A really cool thing's been happening lately.... I've been getting reports back from a lot of you about how much you liked the people that I've highlighted here in this space, which means I'm helping spread their audience. If I accomplished nothing else here than that it's all I could ever ask for.... so keep on checking out the new stuff.....
AND NOW....

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART II....

If you're looking for me to get vicious today you're going to be disappointed, I have no biting criticisms for this one. It was a solid movie and I thoroughly enjoyed my entire experience that night. Now, I don't get too into telling you everything that happened in a flik like most reviews, what the hell is the point in that? Giving a summary defeats the purpose of seeing for yourself. It starts up right where Part I lets off and picks up the action right away, which was great. I liked the way that they went about tying all the loose ends together and explaining what the hell was going on the entire time; nicely done. I didn't read any of the books, so I can't comment if it was done as well as it was supposed to, but for film series purposes it worked. On the downside it was pretty anti-climatic, especially considering it's the 8th installment of a series (that much build-up deserves more fireworks), and felt a little long, probably due to the lack of dramatic tension. They killed off a lot of big characters, but they needed to show more of the individual battles that caused their deaths. A lot it was "Oh, yeah, by the way... this one's dead". Still, the things that we done well, were done, er... well.

Got this photo here

Best scene of this flik by far was a tasty Emma Watson cleavage shot. (AAANNNDD.... he's back ladies and gentlemen!) She's going to have to get used to that if she wants to have a career beyond this. Jessica Biel made a great transition after 7th Heaven by tastefully showing off her wares (which I'd normally post a link to), so she won't have to become HerHiney Grinder or anything that crazy, but Playboy maybe? HUGE HIT THERE!

What I think a lot of people miss about the Harry Potter series, whether you think it's for kids or just plain gay, is just how incredible a feat it was that they were able to pull off here, especially in a Hollywood climate that sucks more than George Michael in a bathroom stall. While none of the films will make your eyes roll to the back of your head like my favorite porn star Monique Alexander will, they were able to pull off 8 every solid films over a 10 year span that never changed the tone of the original book series enough to have he die-hards really hootin and hollering while still managing to keep the interests of everyone else. From the very start the cast has been full of actors with real chops, great performers every one, not the sort of run of the mill slob that's here today gone tomorrow like most of these clowns today. And as for continuity, one of things that really makes me want to piss in someone's eye on most occasions, they kept the same kids in the same roles throughout the entire run as allowed us watch these characters grow from children to adults. Something even Back to the Future couldn't even pull off between one and two (Claudia Wells played McFly's girlfriend only to be switched to Elisabeth Shue, don't fuck with the babysitter!).

Anyway you look at it, whether you liked anything about the series at all, you have to appreciate when something is well done, especially in a world where so little is these days.

Monique Alexander



SO... I didn't go nuts today, off on my usually looney tirade, and I'm reserving a change up for tomorrow. But I DID happen to catch the best article I've seen in a long time about why movies are such shit lately, Everything That's Wrong with Hollywood by Kyle Smith, which you can catch right here. Remember, if you're going to read reviews it has to be written by someone you somewhat agree with. Kyle Smith here is usually pretty good and he pretty much hits every point he makes here on the head. Lou Lumenick of the same paper is a total douche, and I'm not the only asshole who thinks so as evidenced right here, Why Lumenick Sucks Ass!. You're not going to take advice on much from someone you think is a jackass, not unless you're a retard too. The jury's still out on that indictment.

For now that's it. Let's see what I can come up with tomorrow. In parting just ask yourself one question....
WHY AM I A ASSHOLE?!

Later ass!