Fancy Going Halves on a Bastard?

No, not this Fat Bastard. I'm talking about the best pick up line I've ever heard. I think I'm going to use that from now on every time I meet someone new. I got it from "The Little Book of Flirting" by Stewart Ferris, which probably isn't the most informative work in the world if you wanted to actually use it out in the field, but MAN did I laugh my ass off reading it.

Truth is, it doesn't really matter what you say when you approach someone as long as you have the balls to say anything at all, and a smile on your face when you do it. That's the problem that most people have in general, having the balls to do it, and of course the people that do are usually the type of ass that are so full of themselves that it'll never hit them what a horrible human being they actually are....

But then we wonder why its people like this that take over the world. What a Horror! Of course, if you're going to use a line like "Fancy going halves on a bastard?" it helps to have props.

Bust one of these bad boys out and even the coldest fish alive has no choice but to laugh. This is Pulitzer prize winning stuff here people. And this is either a tremendous job with photoshop or the greatest candy bar on earth. Cadbury... they make the cream egg... and help deliver the cream for her eggs....

But you always have to be careful of what you wish for....

Because you just might get it. If that's not a Fancy Bastard I don't know what is. Of course, he could just be English. No one delivers the word "BASTARD!" quite like the Brits, makes me laugh my ass off... gets me every time.

That's right! Happy Birthday... eh, whatever, it seems that I've boxed myself into a corner here, forgot where I was going with this. But if you don't like it....

You tell 'em Johnny Cash! That right there is a man after my own heart. Misunderstood, constantly fighting his own demons, and seemed to get caught out there all the time giving off a certain public image that did nothing to show what a huge heart he had and how much he cared or helped his fellow man. I have a picture of a letter from him to John Wayne that proves it.

Speaking of a certain public image.... people need to leave Lindsay Lohan alone. Yeah, she's a drunk and probably a skank that's constantly going out there, making a mess of herself, and getting caught in a position that makes her look like a total slut.... but how is that any different than any other hot young girl out there? Go look at your facebook friends and what they put up for people to see on purpose and you tell me. Just because a girl is famous doesn't mean she can't do the same nasty shit that makes her look like a pig any less than the hot young girls you know.

Would you rather it was this guy that was flashing the half naked drunken photos? Geez, look at this guy. Look at his neck? Is that a gullet or a tumor? How do you even get yourself one of those? Somehow it reminds me of eating at Sizzler with my brother and sister one afternoon....

They sit us down, and at the table behind us was a mentally handicapped woman who looked exactly like Beaker from the Muppets. And when she talked, her mouth even moved the same way. If you had told me that someone had their fist up her ass working her like a puppet, I would have believed it. But as much as I get a bad rep for these things, like Johnny Cash, I can't be the ass that's sitting there laughing at the handicapped, I really can't do it. It's just not right. If I'm going to laugh at retards it's going to be the cast of Jersey Shore... and the people who love them. But I couldn't eat that way either, so I had to change my seat so that I wasn't facing her. Poor woman. Poor Beaker.

Only because I had to change the subject.... actually, if you're going to pull a line like the one this whole spot has been based on, it should be used on the type of woman that's taking pictures prancing around in her underwear. Why is it when they do it its sexy, or art, but when I take pictures prancing around in MY underwear.... well.... they call it something else...

That is one damn strong chair.

Beaker?

Well... that's all I've got for today. But hit me up with some of the best pick up lines you've ever heard. I'm going to go out there and use them, with my own spin of course, and see if they work. Maybe I'll make it a video. I'm also going to look into getting some of those Cadbury Bastard Bars... wow, it just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

Later People!

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