The BEST story I've heard all week!

I wanted to start with this yesterday, but considering the title and topic I was going with I felt it would send the exact opposite message that I was going for about someone I so far think is fantastic, which proves I don't have my head completely up my own ass, but hey, everyone loves their own brand, right?

SO..... A couple of weeks ago I had mentioned that I went to the Bitter End in the village to see Emily Forst play when a pianist came on that blew my socks off. I had no reason to stay at that point of the night except to experience how phenomenal this artist was; she kept my ass in the chair even when I had planned to leave, which is the most ringing endorsement I think I can give to anyone. Well, her name is Nisha Asnani and there's no way you should let the chance to check her out for yourself pass you by. The link I have here, if you click on her name, will bring you to a place you can do that. And did I mention she's also pretty hot?

I've been talking about movies and celebrities a lot in the last few days, which won't always be the case, but yesterday I had gotten into Britney Spears and how she is now the leading lady in my train wreck of life hall of fame. I had to get into that because with all of the shitty remakes of movies that were only made 20 years ago and still so fresh in your memory that you can recite every line from them, and the ever popular ensemble cast flik full of decrepit former action stars that always just sucked to begin with, I think Hollywood is missing a tremendous opportunity to make a box office killing with the greatest ensemble film every conceptualized.

Now, the reason that there's no originality (or good movies) coming out these days is because YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT and pay good money to see the shit that they're pumping out. Then I have to hear how much you liked some trash version of the same flik you saw as a kid with asshole's who can't act like it's your kid's god damned high school play version of War Games (just one of many remakes on the horizon that will make me want to chain the theater doors, with you inside, and LIGHT THE PLACE ON FIRE!).

But what if we gathered together a crew of real fuck-ups, the sort of lunatic that we just can't stop talking about, and threw them into a story that makes celebrity rehab look like the fuckin Brady Bunch? Much like our leading actress Britney, it would be a beautiful disaster, the A-Team meets the Dream Team! With all the shitheads out there to choose from, you really can't go wrong, but my crew couldn't be beat! Who would I go with? EASY!

HOWLING MAD

The list begins and ends with Gary Busy. Who the hell else could you possibly consider? Finding a Busey crazy picture wasn't the problem, it was picking which one.

FACEMAN

"What are you in for? Drugs". All I can say is GIVE EM' THE HEATER RICKY! Have you ever seen Navy Seals? I swear Charlie Sheen was only playing him self in that.

B.A.



Nordberg! What can I say, maybe I took the easy way out on this one, but he brings his own Dream Team

But all these crazies in the same room, on the same suicide mission could go wildly out of control. What we need is a strong leader, someone who can unquestionably take the reigns and do the impossible. Who is need is....

HANNIBAL

None other than drunken Jew hating, wife beating Mel Gibson! How can you fuck with Braveheart? This patriot's going to go Lethal Martin Riggs on your ass! I love it when a plan comes together!

So now you see why I needed Britney, afterall, how can you bring it all together with out strong female lead? Come to think of it, maybe Spears isn't strong enough to hang with these nutsacks, maybe she's not off enough to hold her own. I was wrong yesterday; for the first time I'm really feeling the loss of Amy Winehouse.

THE BEST STORY I'VE HEARD ALL WEEK!

The news report said he was the puppy no one wanted, his brothers and sisters were all adopted ahead of him, the last one picked. That just makes it even better, and a great example for a lot of us. No matter what anyone else thinks of us, even those of us no one wants are capable of something great just by being themselves.

Alright fuckface, this has carried on long enough already, and I have to get back to work. Try not to suck too much dick on your way to the parking lot!

Later!

SKANKS.... Amy Winehouse and Britney Spears.... Ask and ye shall receive

  
So Amy Winehouse is dead.... GOOD! Skanks and crackheads are found dead behind dumpsters everyday, but you never hear anyone cry because some slob got bound and suffocated in garbage bags for refusing to suck some dude's cock after snorting all of his coke; refused her obligations in what I like to call Blow for Blow. Amazing how the tears well up and the love is showered down on the same type of piece of shit because they're somewhat famous. Meanwhile, these fuckin people need to be crackheads and skanks and whatever else. The very demons that drive them through that glass table, forcing the Olsen Twins to flush the rest of the stash in the toilet behind them is the very thing that fuels their art, the very thing you assholes love them for in the first place. Besides... could you imagine Jimi Hendrix alive now? He'd be in a back alley sucking dick for coke too!

Speaking of people swirling down life's long toilet towards, well, that aint the light... it's only a matter of time before Lindsey Lohan wraps herself into a tree. I thought she'd be perfect for this next spot, but she hadn't done anything really worth mentioning lately, much less set up what I had wanted to go with. I didn't know what to do, and then it happened....

ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE!

I needed a celebrity to go on a tirade, showing us all how fucked in the head these douchebag's can really be, put themselves into our trainwreck of life hall of fame, but it wasn't coming. Until finally Uncle Fester over here made her triumphant return

Do you remember when Britney Spears was so damn hot (and innocent, lol) that every red blooded male with a pulse would have lined up like a 12 year old at a Harry Potter sighting to shell out millions just to de-flower her? How the mighty have fallen! Now she's such a dirty pig that her former body guard is sueing her for trying to coerce him into sex. Apparently this slob walks into rooms ripping ass while picking her nose and eating it. But you can't blame her, after all it's only the munchies. She's throwing down every pill she can get her hands on, getting gang banged by random dudes 3 and 4 at a time, and not washing their manjuice, or the shit out of the crack of her ass for weeks. Then she bends over, displaying the shit caked crust around her rotted gash, giving anyone around a good sniff. In other words... she's Randy Quad's daughter from Vacation.

(Here's a video that has nothing to do with anything at all, just because I thought you needed a video, but somehow it seems to fit)

Shit, if I went on just talking about celebrity sluts, whores and skanks I could be here all day, and I'm trying to keep these things short and sweet for you, so I'm going to leave it here. It all feels a bit rushed today, like destroying the evidence at Heath Ledger's farewell address, but the important thing is that it sets up what I'll be going with next.

CONGRATULATIONS BRITNEY SPEARS, you're now our leading lady in our project for a new tomorrow!

Tune in tomorrow kiddies, same bat time, same bat channel!

CAPTAIN AMERICA SUCKS ASS PART DEUX!!! really this time

Ok, so I had meant to get into telling why you shouldn't be getting your hopes up or expecting anything at all from the new Cap flik before I got side tracked, so here it goes. And if you're reading thing through an RSS feed, it's just come to my attention that the video's may not be popping up for you. Go to the main page for that, it'd be a shame to miss the shit I put up here.

This is the coolest shot from the entire thing. You can check it out from the official site here: Captain America

I'm a huge fan of the character and was really looking forward to seeing this shit, hence the Thursday night midnight showing, and I left the theater with a bad taste in my mouth rivaling the wine bottle cork in the ass experience I used to give my customers in Vegas, but that's a tale for another time.

It seems that every time I go to see a midnight show there's some kind of major fuck up that ruins the entire thing. I guess running a projector is too difficult a task for some people, or maybe they were sucking dick and playing games up there, which at least would be a good excuse for why my $18 movie had the sound cut out over long stretches 3 god damned times. It's shit like this that makes malls like Atlas park completely tank when the only attraction in the place can't get their shit together. Maybe that's why I hated it so much, maybe it was just the Disney touch, I don't know, but there was definitely some Mickey Mouse bullshit going on.

I guess the effect that they were going for was the cheesy, campy style flik that we got in wonders such as Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow  and The Phantom. The problem is that those movies licked the back of my sweaty nutsack too. In defense of the film makers, if you've ever read the original Captain America stuff it's all just as campy, which I guess is what they were going for. The problem is that it nevers works when they try to make movies that way, you end up shelling out good money that you'd have been better off using up in that projection booth or behind some back alley dumpster with a $3 whore. And when all the trailors make it look like a gritty war film... well, this was way off the mark.

Once Cap gets his power the story jumps from one thing to another without any attempt to build a story at all beyond "Hey, we've got to get that cocksucker!" Maybe if they had put it that way, or shown 7 boobs, 3 butts and explosions ala Joe Bob Briggs (now THAT guy is god damned genius Gump!), I'd have been into it more. The CGI was absolutely horrible. It reminded me another shit slop, which was the 2005 King Kong. That mess had entire scenes where it looked to me like shit rolling down hill.

On the bright side though, it wasn't a total loss. The cast was great and did everything that they could with this pile. Hugo Weaving was incredible as the Red Skull, who just looked insane, and Tommy Lee Jones was outstanding. There were also a good amount of funny one liners, and there were times when I got chills down my spine seeing Captain America on screen, reminding me of what it means to be a true leader (Other than my mouth, I'm a fuckin boy scout).

Maybe I'll appreciate this more when it comes out on video, which is what I recommend you wait for to see it, but the 1990 Captain America starring Ned Fuckin Beatty was a better movie. And if you disagree, then maybe you should take a good hard look at yourself and your taste, because you're the fuckin problem, the real reason hollywood won't even attempt to make a good film to save my cancerous left nut! They don't have to cause you're an idiot.

SQUEEL LIKE A PIG FUCKFACE!

Later!

Captain America Sucks Ass and the Greatest Knockout EVER!!!

Due to the ball sweltering heat this past weekend (not to be confused with Ball Swallows, which I've been mistakenly calling Roland Orzabal, lead singer for Tears for Fears for years now), I took the perfect opportunity to get back into one of the great loves I have, which is of course the movies. I watched a ton of them the last few days now. So I caught Thursday night's midnight showing of Captain America at the Atlas Park Mall and the horrid experience quickly reminded me of every reason that I stopped going to the theater in the first place. But I'll get back to that in a minute because first I have to show you....

THE GREATEST KNOCKOUT EVER!!!

Way back in 2004 I was sitting in my closet of a bedroom flipping through the channels on my tiny bullshit television when I came across a boxing match. Now, one of my favorite things in the world is watching chicks beat the fuck out each other, it ranks right along with people getting kicked. So when I happened across this fight I had to see what was going to happen. Out comes this small black woman walking up to a massive white chick looking every bit like Apollo Vs. Ivan Drago (and if you don't get that reference, fuck off!), except Drago's wearing the American flag trunks this time around. No way this little lady (she aint no lady, folks) has a fuckin chance in hell until, sure enough, she unloads a massive haymaker and catches that big bitch right on the button. Her legs crumble and she goes down in a heap. IT WAS THE SHIT!!!

I was screaming from that shot, the woman's eye's rolled in the back of her head, that shit was GREAT! But when I tried telling people about it they couldn't appreciate it's beauty, because I had no idea who the fuck it was in that fight, afterall, who gives a shit who the chicks are pounding on each other as long as there are two broads slugging it out, right? For years I'd been kicking myself over it, wishing I could see that punch one more time, with no hope of ever finding out who it was. How many women boxing fans are there really? Hell, the whole damn sport is dying, right?

But that was until Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel, Gumble, Gumble (as Dennis Miller would say) aired a special on a tough as nails female boxing trainer by the name of Ann Wolfe, and let me tell you, she's a BAD bitch! (But I wouldn't say that shit to her face, she'll fuck me up!)

And to my glee, my great joy, they replayed the clip of the GREATEST KNOCKOUT EVER! You have to see this!

How awesome is this shot? Look at her eyes!

She got knocked the FUCK OUT!

Ok, so maybe laughing at people getting kicked makes me an asshole, but it's just one of many reasons. I've always said you've got to go with your strengths, and I'm damn good at it. The BEST is when people get kicked in the face, and fuck you if you're not into that, because just like getting hit by a bus or blasted into a million pieces by the 4:05 train, how the fuck did you not see that coming? Think about it, no matter what the situation, however you got yourself in a position to get kicked in the face, you did it to yourself. You deserve that shit!

I'm going to try and keep these things short and sweet for you from now on, and besides, I've got to go jerk off, and that might take all night (I've been sitting on my hand for the last hour, gives it a different feel, ya know?)

I never did back to why CAPTAIN AMERICA SUCKS ASS did I? Fuck it. I'll get back to that tomorrow.

Later Fuckface!