Captain America Sucks Ass and the Greatest Knockout EVER!!!

Due to the ball sweltering heat this past weekend (not to be confused with Ball Swallows, which I've been mistakenly calling Roland Orzabal, lead singer for Tears for Fears for years now), I took the perfect opportunity to get back into one of the great loves I have, which is of course the movies. I watched a ton of them the last few days now. So I caught Thursday night's midnight showing of Captain America at the Atlas Park Mall and the horrid experience quickly reminded me of every reason that I stopped going to the theater in the first place. But I'll get back to that in a minute because first I have to show you....

THE GREATEST KNOCKOUT EVER!!!

Way back in 2004 I was sitting in my closet of a bedroom flipping through the channels on my tiny bullshit television when I came across a boxing match. Now, one of my favorite things in the world is watching chicks beat the fuck out each other, it ranks right along with people getting kicked. So when I happened across this fight I had to see what was going to happen. Out comes this small black woman walking up to a massive white chick looking every bit like Apollo Vs. Ivan Drago (and if you don't get that reference, fuck off!), except Drago's wearing the American flag trunks this time around. No way this little lady (she aint no lady, folks) has a fuckin chance in hell until, sure enough, she unloads a massive haymaker and catches that big bitch right on the button. Her legs crumble and she goes down in a heap. IT WAS THE SHIT!!!

I was screaming from that shot, the woman's eye's rolled in the back of her head, that shit was GREAT! But when I tried telling people about it they couldn't appreciate it's beauty, because I had no idea who the fuck it was in that fight, afterall, who gives a shit who the chicks are pounding on each other as long as there are two broads slugging it out, right? For years I'd been kicking myself over it, wishing I could see that punch one more time, with no hope of ever finding out who it was. How many women boxing fans are there really? Hell, the whole damn sport is dying, right?

But that was until Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel, Gumble, Gumble (as Dennis Miller would say) aired a special on a tough as nails female boxing trainer by the name of Ann Wolfe, and let me tell you, she's a BAD bitch! (But I wouldn't say that shit to her face, she'll fuck me up!)

And to my glee, my great joy, they replayed the clip of the GREATEST KNOCKOUT EVER! You have to see this!

How awesome is this shot? Look at her eyes!

She got knocked the FUCK OUT!

Ok, so maybe laughing at people getting kicked makes me an asshole, but it's just one of many reasons. I've always said you've got to go with your strengths, and I'm damn good at it. The BEST is when people get kicked in the face, and fuck you if you're not into that, because just like getting hit by a bus or blasted into a million pieces by the 4:05 train, how the fuck did you not see that coming? Think about it, no matter what the situation, however you got yourself in a position to get kicked in the face, you did it to yourself. You deserve that shit!

I'm going to try and keep these things short and sweet for you from now on, and besides, I've got to go jerk off, and that might take all night (I've been sitting on my hand for the last hour, gives it a different feel, ya know?)

I never did back to why CAPTAIN AMERICA SUCKS ASS did I? Fuck it. I'll get back to that tomorrow.

Later Fuckface!