I hope this letter reaches you, that you read it, for its your eyes its meant for. I've never had the right words, that grand sweeping prose that moves the heart, grabs hold of one's soul, but I've always thought in those ways. If only I would have known how to bring to bear those notions so powerful that I am enveloped by them, and in so doing wrap you in this ceaseless love only felt for you.
Love.... so foreign a concept when heard from my lips, more so to those whom know who, know what I've become, what I am. Nevertheless, it is my nature, though none have ever felt it from me, and it runs deeper than you will ever know.
Perhaps, in all of it, that is the most tragic aspect.... that no one, that you, will ever know those depths of my soul. And again, I search for words that won't come... forever searching for what will not come.... and maybe its just as well.
The sky is beginning to brighten just over the horizon now. The stars still shine and the moon gazes upon me, but their light dims with the coming day. I've moved my desk to face the window, removed the shades. Its been so long now since I've seen the sunrise..... I can't think of a more beautiful way to say farewell.
So long I'd spent chasing things outside of myself, anything that would give me that spark of life once more, that I missed all of everything that truly fills a man. Its led me down this dark path, left me with this hunger, this hole that nothing can fill. I've thrown away all I had, my very humanity trying to do so.....
What I wanted to say to you was this..... in your life you will encounter many things, people, experiences..... most will come and go like random breezes in the night. Some will be soft and warm while others whip and bite the flesh, but every now and then you'll be forced to stop and catch your breath. And its those moments, those people, those events that change you forever that this great dream called life is all about.
Human kind..... so funny..... so lost..... they cling so tightly to the fears that keep them alive that they fail to ever live. They focus all they have on making a living and rarely create a life. They waste all their time looking for people they can live with when they should be looking for the people that they can not live without.... don't be afraid. Don't waste life like those fools.
That spark of life that I spoke of..... that's how you'll know.... not the fleeting excitement of meeting someone or doing something new and different, not the light and easy, fun free spirit of just having a good time.... its that thing that stops you dead in your tracks that won't let you move on that tells you. And in that instant the person that you were will be gone, you'll be forever changed..... that's how you'll know.
I was young once, full of life, full of that idealistic vision of better days, perfect worlds. If you could have known me then.... but alas, those days have long since passed. I am outside the world now, no longer part of it. I sit in shadow, in that place in between, neither living nor dead, unseen.
You wouldn't know it, but when my body begins to warm, when my skin begins to heat, I break into hives. At first it tickles, and then it itches, it doesn't burn.... at least not at first, not until its too late.
Those days are gone.... or so I thought.... until I saw you. And now I'm changed. Changed for the better. Changed from this despicable wretch, this vile creature I've become. All of those better parts of my youth, the perfect ideals, the best of me, of my heart, have been stirred in your eyes. You've awakened something I've not felt in....
You are someone that I can not live without. I can not go back to what I'd become before I'd seen you. You raise me up in indescribable ways, towards perfection. And I wish to be your champion. Your champion.... a long lost ideal of chivalry...
But all I touch is death. I can not go on without you.... but to entangle your fate with my own would be to damn you to an eternity of despair and suffering.... I would suck the life from your life and leave you as empty as I....
No.... no, that won't do. There is no hope for happiness with me. There is no hope. That is no life. And since I can not go on otherwise..... I await the sun.
My skin is beginning to crawl. Tears fill my eyes.... the sunrise.... so beautiful.....
Happy Halloween People!
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Very creative John! One of your best!!!!
ReplyDeleteMe... right...? You are talking about me right?
ReplyDeleteNice post, different, but a good read.