But what about those deeper levels? Have you ever found that you said or did things thinking that you were completely clear of mind while taking action, that you were fully in the right and just telling it how it is, explaining what's REALLY going on out there.... only to realize later on that anger and resentment run so deeply in the core of who you are that it oozes out of the marrow of your bones, flowing like red blood cells, and that THAT is really where your message had come from, not that place of tranquility?
We don't all start off at the same level, no matter how nice a fairy tale that may be. Some of us were lucky enough to be born into a family that had money, connections, a clear path for you to have all you wanted in life. Some of us had parents who are crack heads and its a miracle you didn't turn out to be one yourself. Some of us are beautiful with model good looks, or born with supreme talent, and the doors of opportunity blast off their hinges at your very approach, while others... fat, ugly, stupid, talentless, useless, sickly, what have you. That's just the way that it is. That's life!
When we're kids we're judged and categorized by these things, the popular crowd, the freaks and geeks, whatever you want to call it. And we like to believe that when you get older, as adults, that this stops being the case. How many movies out there are about both of these things? Unfortunately, that's just not the truth. As you get older, life remains the same old high school popularity contest (if anything, its worse!), played by the same exact rules, and your success in life depends directly on how well you play that game.
Last night I wrote a letter to a friend of mine who is one of the beautiful people, part of the club, explaining that I know I have a certain amount of talent, but none of that matters unless I can find a way to make people believe that I can make THEM better, make THEIR lives better, help get THEM to where THEY want to go. And this is true of all of us, its the essence of what that high school popularity contest is all about.
She could have easily helped me along, as I've seen her do with countless other people before, just with a word or two, "Hey, read this guy, he can write", but she never has, not once. The reason is because I don't fit the image she's trying to project. Helping me won't advance her career or her causes, so not only hasn't she helped, but she's actually gone back and deleted things I've sent her, erasing all outward knowledge of my work with her people.
Isn't that just like the kid who helped you with your math homework in school, but you ignored in the halls when you were with your friends? Well, we know that its because of value, and we always chase after HIGHER value, and run away from lower value, as away as we can get.
The thing of it is that most people don't even know that they're doing it, its not a conscious choice, its a natural human behavior. This is the game, its how its played, and I only know the difference because, like many of you, I've spent most of my life on the outside looking in. If my life were easy breezy, if all the doors were open for me, then I'd be caught up in the machine as well, oblivious to what was going on here.
Instead, because the system has always worked against me, I too Rage Against the Machine.
Trouble is... I've been raging against it so long that that anger has set in real deep, so deep I didn't even know it was there, and it comes out in terrible ways, as that chip on my shoulder, that nervousness I spoke about yesterday that keeps me from performing up to my capabilities. And I know a lot of you, a lot of very intelligent, very talented people, who suffer from the very same malady. I see it everyday, see it in your comments, see it in your attitude, see it in your facebook posts, and in your pain. And it holds you back. It holds me back, holds us ALL back.
You see... there IS another level, that place of peak performance that you only come to when you're free and easy, confident, and all of that anger, resentment and negative energy only keeps you from getting there. Its like snake venom, coursing through you, killing you. I haven't even begun to scratch the surface in what I can do, as a writer, as an athlete, in the ways that I can help people.... and while I knew this, I didn't see what it was that kept me from accessing that better part of myself.
The real difference between those people that have had the doors open for them, however or for what ever reasons it was done, and the rest of us continually hurling ourselves against the jagged rocks in the seas of life, is that they're able to keep their eyes completely on the prize and use all of their focus and energy towards that goal, where as the frustrated folks like me have one eye on the goal and the other on all the many things we have to fight to get there. We have one hand reaching for that star, and the other clenched in a fist swinging away at all that approaches.
How much energy does that take from you? How much does it sap your strength? How much does it steal from your focus? How much harder will that force you to have to work, and how much more tired will you be from that?
Open doors allow people to reset themselves, get back to zero that much more quickly. Fighting all the time leaves you in a state where you're constantly fighting, until you reach the point that its all you know, and you forget exactly what it is that you're fighting for. Then without a fight, you don't know what to do with yourself, you have nothing left. Often, this is where I find myself. Do you?
That's like being a beaten woman, trapped in an abusive relationship with yourself.
My friend probably took what I said as a personal attack, as me saying that she's messed up and wrong for doing the same exact thing that everyone else does. That has me upset, because she really is great and I really do love her. She's not the only one, that's just how the game is played, it just makes her like everyone else.
That's not her failing; its mine. Its like I'm trying to play chess in checkers tournament and getting pissed off that I got eliminated.
Just like anyone else in any other walk of life, from here on out any success that I have in any area moving forward relies directly on how much you, and everyone else, believes that I can make their lives better. Whether that's by motivating you, inspiring you, giving you an idea or making you see things in a way you never did before, if that's helping you make a new connection, spreading the word for your product, or just simply entertaining you (you can't put a price on a good time), how much people believe that I can help THEM do these things will dictate how far I go. The same goes for you in all that you do.
But how can anyone hope to do that if they're so full of piss and wind that they're pissing in their own face, blinding themselves in the process? How can they do that when they're so full of venom that we sap ourselves of all the energy and forces within us that allow us to fire on all cylinders?
We may not all start at the same spot, but it IS our responsibility to reset ourselves back to zero, find that focus we need, and if the doors won't open for us, if we can't find the people to open them, then to blast the off of their hinges ourselves, no matter what circumstances we come from. It just that much harder when you start the race at the back of the pack, forced to jump the hurdles while others run in a clear lane. But the spectators aren't watching for who's running in which lane, only who wins the race.
For myself, I'll never be able to blast those doors open until I'm able to release all of that anger and frustration that keeps from from reaching my peak performance. But unless I find the people who able, AND WILLING, to make ME better, make MY life better, help get ME to where I want to go, whether that's by motivating me, inspiring me, giving me an idea or making me see things in a way I never did before, if that's helping me make a new connection, spreading the word for my products, or just simply entertaining me, helping me relax and have a good time.... then I'll never be able to release all of that anger and frustration that keeps me from reaching my peak performance.
Its a Catch 22 situation. How many of you are there?
That's EXACTLY why your support system is damn important. Why finding the right woman (or man) to share your life with is SO important (instant support system), and why most people that are highly successful become so after marrying that right person. This means the right friends too. Of course, its so hard to find them while you're in that situation above, so you're back in that Catch 22.
But, ask the right questions and you'll get the right answers... so I'll ask you this...
HOW THE FU... DO YOU GET OUT OF IT?!