You Can't Argue With an Idiot!

That's what my Uncle always used to tell me. You can't argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Though it could be put just as easily that you shouldn't argue with the ignorant. Now, I grew up with nothing, had nothing for most of my life, but I've been lucky enough to have a great deal of experiences, first hand, that have changed my perspective on how I look at things. The truth of the matter is though, nothing that I know means a thing, because I still have nothing, and as this video here will prove, people will only listen to others that they think have a certain amount of authority over them.

For a good chunk of my life I was stuck surrounded by the type of jackass that never knew shit about shit, never had an experience outside of their own neighborhood, never had to know the fear of choosing between paying the rent or eating, and on the rare occasion they did go somewhere outside of their own backyard, it would be to a Cancun resort, or a spring break. Staying at a hotel at a beach does not a world traveler make, no matter where that beach is. The problem is that every single other jackass they encounter in their life is that same kind of jackass, doesn't know shit about shit, never been out there in the real world, so they encourage each other into the belief that this is how it is. And they're the SHIT! Because they're too stupid, or sheltered, or inexperienced to know otherwise. Sound familiar?

Yeah, a good portion of my life was like living in an episode of Jersey Shore. The people I was surrounded by were exactly this sort of retard (And if you like that shit, guess what....). I once knew a guy that swore everything in the world, ever, was invented in Italy. But when you're not part of Club Special Ed, but still feel compelled to shine a little light on these fucktards, it will cause nothing but problems for you. Take 3 morons that have no clue about anything other than what goes on inside of that bag pulled over their heads, but have them agree with one another, and soon they'll be tearing you apart; you're the fucking idiot no matter what the facts say. This is the same exact shit that kept the earth flat, the sun revolving around the earth, Black's 3/5 a person and Jews the reason for the downfall of man everywhere for centuries. Why couldn't that bag over their heads be plastic?

But what brings this on today isn't the fuckin mental midgets that a lot of us have to escape before we're ever able to find acceptance, success or real happiness. No, what brings this on is another animal, one possibly far worse, and by that I mean pseudo-intellectual Brooklynites. Not the ones born and raised in Bed-Sty or Bensonhurst, but the ones transplanted from whatever white boy world they came from to be as "cool" as they want to be. Of course, they could be Manhattanites too, or transplanted to Boston or Philly, what have you, it's all the same. I'm talking about those hipster clowns (Funny, hipsters... they all swear they're not hipsters....). The ones who gather from their small corners and come together (because they really all do settle in the same trendy areas) to stroke each other and call themselves New Yorkers because they've lived here for a short time, all the while looking down on the natives as if we're all that fucking idiot from the Jersey Shore.



I had spoken earlier about Cockblocking Momos, and when I went to share something in the article I saw that this had been posted about surfing at Rockaway Beach by the exact kind of jackass I was just going on about. It brought me back to a previous conversation where I had to explain why surfing at Rockaway Beach was one of the nastiest things that I've ever heard. I've lived within a 15 minute ride of that Beach for most of my life, and most people who have know exactly how disgusting and polluted that water is. To make a long story short, my friend Michelle put it best when she said "I wouldn't take a SHIT in that water". The response I got to my warning was a posting from the NYC board of health stating the beaches were clean.

I've never been to Blarney Castle to kiss the Blarny Stone, but I've heard from several reliable sources that would know much more than I do that one of the great gags of the area is that some of the local townsfolk often like to get loaded and piss all over the thing in the middle of the night, knowing that tourists are coming in to touch their lips to it. How true that is I don't know, but do you honestly think an area that bases a large portion of their economy on you kissing the back end of their rocks for luck would ever want you to find out that Townie Fuckface and his five brothers have a regular Friday night circle jerk all over their stone of destiny? That kind of news getting out would ruin them.

And by the same principal, is the New York City board of health going to tell millions of people during the hottest days of the year that their beaches are too filthy and polluted to go near? Ah, take a nice swim at the beach (warning, sand covered in aids syringes and the water could give you cancer). FUCK NO they wouldn't, that shit causes riots and mass hysteria. That sort of news is only released when there's no other choice, when it's right out there and noticeable, which incidentally, has happened several times over the years at Rockaway Beach.

But surely if an article is in the New York times (the most credible news source of all because they NEVER make up their own facts) then it must be true, right? Articles written by writers who aren't from around here about people from Japan doing what very few that actually grew up near that beach would even DARE is all the proof one needs. I guess I don't know what I'm talking about after all.

I still have nothing, nothing but this blog, you good fans, and a degree in Social Science, which qualifies me to speak about these exact things. But even the points I make on matters I've studied extensively meet the toughest resistance from even my closest friends, because as Milgrim said, I don't appear to be coming from a position of authority, so what the fuck do I know?

But take this lesson from the once great Chevy Chase on why you should ALWAYS listen to other people who may know more about certain things from real life experience and the consequences of thinking you know more than they do

 You could end up with balls in your mouth. You'd be lucky if that's all it is.

The bottom line though is that fighting with these people will only give you a headache and possibly drive you to the top of a bell tower. They'll never learn because they really don't want to, there's comfort in thinking you know everything, even when you don't know shit at all. And much like proving the earth is round, showing them and forcing them to believe it can be a monumental task that leaves your life in shambles.

Then again.... the greatest leaps forward in the history of man have come from proving the idiots wrong.

Just don't waste your time or energy on them, getting caught up in the fight.

Later People!

King of the Crazy Asshole's and the Planet of the Apes

Rise of the Planet of the Apes, or the true life story of why people suck, really surprised me this weekend. With the combination of how Hollywood destroys every old classic it can get it's hands on, and how much James Franco sucks balls (pretty much everything he's in blows), I was expecting this to suck more Tera Patrick on a quest for an AVN award. But it was really a very solid movie all around. The only real knock I have against it is, unless San Francisco is the world's capital for chimp experimentation, an Ape Auswitch if you will, where they got all the damn apes that are running around is a mystery. Still though, the acting was solid, good action when it needed it, with a well done storyline built on a premise that could actually make sense if it were to happen in real life. Had I seen this at home on video I probably would have thought it was great, but as it is, especially if you're a fan of the five original films, I think this is something worth checking out. Even with theatre prices I enjoyed my experience. (Click the AVN link, it's HOT!)

This one's going to be a little different today.

Last week I went on about the movie Sucker Punch, and how much I was really into that flik. Well it seems that it wasn't done with me, and taught me a valuable lesson. When I went to return the video to the Red Box (what's not to love about Red Box) there was a couple looking for something to watch. As I stood waiting, the DVD in my hand, I pointed the movie out to the guy and told him "if you're into trippy shit, check this one out."

Now, from a social dynamics point of view I did everything right if you want to open a set. If you follow the notion that 'what's in the way IS the way', you have to start talking to the biggest pain in the ass there, and once they accept you you've got easy access to their friends. So once this guy sees I'm just talking about a flik and not making a move on his girl, sure enough he lets her and I get into it, and sure enough she's looking at me like she wants to take me behind the dumpster and, uh....  

(I highly suggest you read The Mystery Method, written by master Pick Up Artist Mystery. I've had to read a lot on social dynamics and why we choose they people we do in our lives, but this is by far the best of them. Everything he talks about is 1000% scientifically based and backed, and is proven to work most of the time)

Master PUA Mystery.

Don't let the hat fool you,

this guy's a god damned genius!

But the truth is, I wasn't thinking about any of that. It was just something that I happened to enjoy so much that my passion took over and I was able to sell them on the flik because I wasn't trying to sell them anything at all. I wasn't being full of shit, I was genuinely psyched to be able to share something with complete strangers because of how much I loved it, and it was all completely natural, free and easy.

AND THAT'S WHERE IT HIT ME! Most of the time when we need people to buy into what we're doing, whatever the situation, selling yourself to a girl you're trying to pick up, bringing in customers to a business, come see my show, buy my album, listen to my podcast, read my blog, yada yada yada, we're so concerned with the end result, with getting what we want out of them, that that becomes our focus rather than how great we actually think the thing we're showing them is. And because of that it all seems forced and unnatural, like pulling teeth. What person in their right mind is going to invest any of their time, money or back end goodies into anything that you made sound awkward and painful? NOBODY!!!

For nearly two years I've been struggling to get my books VPI the Saga Begins and A Loaded Portrait, two excellent books that you'd really enjoy if you read this blog, to sell without any clue of what I've been doing wrong. But what's the biggest selling point to anything? What has gotten you, far beyond any other factor, to check out new things that you never would have considered before?

It's some random jackass telling you "That shit was GREAT! You NEED to see this shit!" so full of passion that you can see their eyes light up, and they're so excited, so into it that you start to get pumped up for it yourself. And when something resonates with you so strongly, like a film from the red box, that you get that pumped to tell people about it, even though it's not your work and you have nothing to gain.... well, that's the exact effect we're all going for isn't it? That's where stars are born. And that's why every success guru in all the land will tell you that the number one thing that every person must have in order to "make it" is pure unbridled passion for what they're doing. Because how can you get anyone else so pumped about what you do if you don't feel that way about it yourself?

And that brings me to myself, this blog, and you. For most of my life I've been worried if I'd ever find my audience, ever find my group of people, find where I fit in. I've always been confident in my ability to write, but never in getting others to hear what I had to say. Most of my life everyone around has dismissed me, "You're just a crazy asshole."

In the short time that I've been doing this, however, I've come to realize how much I love to do so. And though the audience to now has been small, many of you have told me that you look forward to it every day. As an artist, I don't know what greater praise one can ever receive. Maybe I am just a Crazy Asshole, but I've come to embrace that, and many of you have told me how much you think along the same lines as I do. So the lesson is this... don't worry about where you fit in, who you're allowed to play with, that will only get you a boatload of wasted talent, low self esteem and heartache. BE a Crazy Asshole, and other like asshole's will find you. But always do your thing regardless of the critics, then you start you're own group.

And please tell people about this page, but only if you love it as much as I do.

As long as I have a handful of people looking forward to reading this page, and I enjoy doing, you'll be hearing from me... the King of the Crazy Assholes!

And now I leave you with some Tom Petty, Learning to Fly. It seems fitting.

Later People!

COCKBLOCKING MOMO'S!!!

If you're a dirty old man, and I am, you have to check out the movie Sucker Punch. I rented it last night and it really surprised me, coming in as a strange mix between "The Secret" and Alice in Wonderland. You know that I don't get too into telling you the entire movie when I'm describing them, but there were three storylines interacting following five smoking hot chicks. The way they transitioned between each was brilliant as was their use of camera angles. A lot of it reminded me of Hitchcock scenes where he would set the camera at one angle and really focus your eye on what your were supposed to be looking at. Then they'd cue the music and entire sections seemed like watching a music video that still somehow managed to tell the tale of the tape. And if that wasn't enough, they'd jump you into a great action sequence full of blood, mayhem, and hotties slashing and shooting. I don't know how no one has told me about this, but you should definitely check it out as a rental.

COCKBLOCKING MOMO'S

The flick got me thinking about a chick that I had been sleeping with a while back now because it was something I'm sure she'd really dig, and that got me thinking on an entirely different path. I'm pretty sure the two of us hate each other now; I was never anything more than cheap sex, she never had any intention of getting to know me (I feel so USED), and when she was done with that, she was done with me. I can't complain too much, my birthday was HOT, and that last time I really had her going. But along the way she picked up a MOMO exactly like Tucker from There's Something About Mary.

Every guy has had to deal with a clown like this at one time or another (unless you were the clown), you know the one, constantly full of shit just to kiss her ass, pretending to be into all the same shit she is, always doing whatever they can to make you look bad... all in the name of trying to get between the two of you, and trying to get with her himself, all the while keeping up the appearance that he's just the innocent friend looking out for her best interests. I had caught this clown several times making the most ridiculous statements that showed how full of shit he really was. It had gotten to the point where anytime I said anything to her at all, even after our talking slowed to a death crawl, the jackass would still feel compelled to one up me.

We all know that you can't point these things out to your lady friend. She'll take the "friends" side over yours every time, even when she knows you're right. And why wouldn't she? He's buying her tickets and taking her out to all the things she wants to do without having to ask and she never has to give up the ass to get it. Then she can get cocked by Dirty Big Dick on the side whenever she wants without having to justify anything she's doing to anyone, especially to herself. It's win-win for her everytime. You end up being just some jealous prick who's trying to control her. (That's one of my personal favorites actually, if you don't like like the idea of her running around with other dudes, you're trying to control her. WTF? )

But guess what pal, we all also know that it's never going to work. The minute she feels she has to give it up to get your bullshit, she's moving on to that next son of a bitch. You won't be bending her over (if she were into you like that, you wouldn't have to sling the shit you've been dealing), and all you do is fuck up my shit. And if, after months of ass kissing and buddy buddy bullshit, you still feel threatened by a guy who barely has anything to do with her... well that's a personal issue you need to look into. And that issue is this... you may not be gay, but... YOU'RE A FUCKIN FAGGOT!

For anyone looking for an explanation of what a MOMO is, because I'll be using it a lot, that last line pretty much sums it up.

There was more I wanted to get into on this, but the rant has gone on long enough so we'll leave it for later. But be sure to follow these points to stay out of this mess...

1. If you're girl has picked up a MOMO, dump her, dump her fast
2. If you're too into her to can her ass, ignore MOMO, he's just a harmless douche
3. Keep giving her the good cock
4. Silly Whoes collect MOMO'S. Real women do for themselves, they don't need some jackass kissing their ass, buying them shit, or playing games. Not having some weasel clinging on to them like a dingleberry hanging from an ass hair is worth whatever price they have to pay to them to do it on their own.
5. Ladies, be a real woman, not a Silly Whoe.
6. Guys, be a REAL MAN, not a fuckin MOMO
7. DON'T BE A FUCKIN FAGGOT, MOMO!

And finally, I promised you yesterday I'd post the video of Hideki Irabu charging the plate if I can find it. Well Scotty found it for me with a nice little bonus, The Strawman punching someone in the face. SO here you go.

Remember, you can't do Abs in 6 minutes. You can barely break a sweat in 6 minutes.

Don't get yourself caught in a Jersey Truck stop.

Later people!

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!

Much like Amy Crackhouse and Steve Guttenberg's career, very unexpectedly I walked out of the house this morning to find my car battery dead, which has cut my time, and thus today's installment, short. Complacency is a problem only the comfortable suffer, and you only realize this when the shit hits the fan and disrupts your every day flow, which is why, as The Man would tell you, sometimes you need this. Fucked up things shake you out of the mundane daily exercise.

Mahoney almost never comes to mind unless I've been out doing way too much shit that no one is ever supposed to do and I start seeing Johnny 5 rolling around the streets. Short Circuit... HEH, you couldn't have picked a more perfect title; who'd have thought the same flik could take out Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy both? But this morning I find myself mourning the loss of the great Bubba Smith.

Who can forget this classic scene from Police Academy when Hightower tears the seat out of a small hatchback because it's the only way he can fit inside of it. It amazes me to no end how much attention people give when addicts, whores and scumbags in general are found in pools of their own puke, yet a man of this, uh, stature, is quickly dismissed with a simple, "huh!"

Bubba was a great college and pro football player before making a decent career acting, but the small roles he played had a huge impact. At least the first two Police Academy fliks were great, and impossible to imagine without Smith manning the Hightower!

But my best memory of Bubba Smith will always be the timeless classic Spare Tire Dixon from one of the greatest episodes of one of the greatest television shows of all time. Watch it right here.

YOU DIDN'T CROSS THE LINE BUNDY!!!

Ironically, this comes on the same day that it really hit me how much of an influence Married with Children had on my life. The writers of the show joked that they ran for 11 seasons on the same 5 jokes, but they deserve so much more credit for what an incredible job they did. I often tell people that I'm not really into much of anything, but whenever I happen across old re-runs it doesn't take long before I remember exactly which episode it is. You know every punchline that's coming and still manage to laugh you balls off every single time, no matter how often you see it.

Speaking of those that bought the farm recently, former NY Yankee pitcher Hideki Irabu offed himself about a week ago. George Steinbrenner called him a Fat Toad for being lazy, so of course I have to show a picture of Scott Brosius grabbing his tits, but everyone forgets that in 1998 and 1999 he put up two very solid seasons for World Championship teams, and if they had the chance today, the Yanks would gladly swap A.J. Burnett for him in a heartneat.

This this now the second Yankee that's died in my lifetime, but the reason this one in particular hurts is because before Irabu I had never in my life seen a pitcher bean a batter and then CHARGE THE PLATE! That shit was fuckin GREAT! I've been looking for video of that but so far have been unlucky. Once I get it though I'll be sure to give you a treat, and I don't mean the one in my pants.

For today, I'll cut it short here. It's sort of a sad note, not the haha funny I usually post, but one I felt I had to discuss. But I will leave you with another clip. The night I was born, while my mother was screaming in labor shittin me out, my old man sat in a movie theatre watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It became my favorite movie until I was about 16 and probably the biggest reason why I always wanted to write skit comedy. It probably also goes a long way of explaining why I'm so fucked in the head!

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!

I'm not quite dead yet. I think I'll got for a walk.

Later People.

Peacocks DO fly! And.... it could always be worse.

Look at what I started! Maybe it's just the Reticular Activating System, but Peacocks are everywhere, and they're running wild!

This guy escaped from the Central Park Zoo the other day to perch himself up on a 5th floor window in Manhattan. Don't be the only one left on the block. Come hide with the herd and float with the flock....

I can't say what's going on with me, but I've been a special kind of asshole lately, snapping for no reason, getting on people's asses, it's not good. Whatever it is I constantly have to remind myself that it could always be worse. Now, I am a certified life coach and NLP practitioner, so I've done countless hours of research on positive thinking and all of that, and I do believe in it to an extent, but part of that is also appreciating what you have. Years ago I had gotten majorly depressed and lost about 35 pounds in a 2 week span, probably could have gotten really sick. What got me out of it was watching episodes of Party of Five, where every week Charlie got ball cancer or Neve Campbell got pregnant by some random stranger... or Scott Wolf found himself torn between smoking hot Amanda Beckett (Jennifer Love HugeTits) or that little boy he's had his eye on, and listening to The Cure over and over again.

Of course, if any of my buddies had come down into my basement dungeon apartment at the time and seen what I was up to they would have burned me on that. "Dude, what the fuck are you watching? And who the hell is crying on the radio? No wonder you want to kill yourself!" Still though, every week I would look at those people and say to myself, shit, it could always be worse... I could have ball cancer. And it's been a philosophy I've tried (though not always successfully) to keep in mind as I bang through life's daily bullshit.

That Lacy Chabert got really

fuckin hot, huh?

 Speaking of being that special kind of asshole, I was watching chicks fight again last night, MMA this time, if you can call it that. This one had a really hot body, and kept getting into these ridiculous positions that made you want to grab your shit. But every time she picked her head up her face looked like Warwick Davis.

I can't say there's anything about the idea of banging Willow that gets me hard. Could you imagine being in the middle of it with her, she looks up at you, lust in her eyes screaming "You ARE great!". I wouldn't know whether to shit or wind my watch.

But no matter what you're going through you always have to think about the things that you do have, and if that still has you sitting on the couch with your head in your hands like the Great Al Birdy crying "Oh God, I can't wake up!" remember... you could always be this guy!

And if that doesn't work just be happy that you don't have ball cancer. And if you DO have ball cancer, just be happy that it's not cock cancer. And if you've got cock cancer, accentuate the positive...

"Ah shit dude, you got Cock Cancer? That fucking sucks"
"Maybe so, but look of the SIZE of this thing now"

You see, it's just one big world of shit, and we're all wrapped up in it. There aint nobody clean! So it's all about making the best of a shitty situation, like this guy

Or maybe that's a woman, I can't tell. But it's a nice sunny day, she's got herself a seat in the shade, relaxing, and enjoying herself a beer. What more could a fella possibly want out of life? But if that's not enough for you, you're day can't possibly be worse than this guy's in the video you're about to watch and absolutely HAVE to see...

All I can say is better him than me. Shit, I don't know about you, but my day just got a whole hell of a lot better.

Special thanks to Scotty and Robinson for all of your help with today's post. As my closest friend from college so beautifully put it... you'll always be that special kind of asshole to me!

Don't be the only one left on the block
Hide with the herd
Float with the flock

Later people!

What's a Blow Job with a Condom on? Serisously?

Last night I had hurt my arm playing ball and had been joking with my friend that I can't even jerk off now, and she asked what would I do now? So I told her that that's what hookers and crackheads are for. But then I got to thinking about all those nights with my buddies at all those back room shit hole strip clubs when a girl took a pal of mine to the private section (private meaning it was concealed in shadow, you could still see everything), slipped the condom on, and.....

Now, I'm constantly saying that fluff girls make everything better. In case you don't know, fluff girls are the ones that walk around those big 100+ man gang bangs for porn shoots that are responsible for keeping all the dudes hard. Like my ex, they blow you just enough so that you HAVE to fuck.

I've known a lot of strippers in my time, and while I actually think most of them are great down to earth people, that's the life and the world they live in. You'd be hard pressed, no matter how high end the joint is or how hot the woman, to find an exotic dancer who hasn't taken a guy into the back room for the treatment. She may have just jerked off 6 Mexicans right off the back of a fruit truck and just grabbed your junk, only washing her hand by spitting on it, or it could be that she only does it for special cases like celebrities, but it's really all the same thing, isn't it? Even if you could feel a thing from her lips once she slides that bad boy on, is it worth the worry you have to take home once it hits you that she's been so well trained to slip a condom on before she slips it into her mouth and what her reasons for that are?

Me with Olivia Munn

About a year ago I met Olivia Munn, then star of G4's Attack of the Show, at one of her book signings. At the time she was the biggest woman in video games before trying to take that following and turn it into something bigger. Her star, and career, precipitously fell off the face of the planet from that move, showing the dangers of trying to reach too far too soon, and why you should be careful trying to expand beyond the scope of your talents. But in her reading that day she spoke of a disgusting fat slob big shot who had her come to his trailor when she was first breaking in. When she got there he was butt naked, sucking chicken grease off of his fingers, waiting for her to put it in her mouth. He wouldn't have done that if it hadn't worked many times before. Just like Roberto Alomar, or any Latin player in Major League Baseball up until 1996 or so, if you want to get into the league, you have to pay the price. So the next time you see a young star that you're just in love with, just remember that chances are extremely good they bent over a counter or took a shot in the mouth to get there. And I'm not just talking about the ladies. Just like the strippers.... that's the life and the world they live in.

Roberto Alomar - sucked dick to play baseball

Got AIDS after "allegedly" getting raped

by 2 men in a back alley in Mexico City

A few years ago my girlfriend had told me she wanted to marry me six weeks into the relationship and all the red flags went up. So I told her that I'd only get married if I could do it in an Elvis jumpsuit. Part of that was me being a wise ass. Part of that was trying to get her off the marriage ledge, afterall, what woman would go for that? But part of that was also because I'm so off the wall that the only type of person I should be spending the rest of my life with is the type that would love me marrying them in an Elvis jumpsuit. So why am I bringing this up?

My friend found this the other day in Women's World Magazine of all places. Elvis' favorite suit... The Peacock! Get ready ladies, the suit has presented itself, the time has come! The girlfriend I was speaking of actually went for the Elvis jumpsuit thing. I didn't need to actually do it, I just needed to know that she'd let me. So why am I single then? Because just like the fluff girls, she only put it in her mouth until I got hard, only I wasn't in line for the gang bang.

And so we've come full circle. What's a Blow Job with a Condom on? It's better than no Blow Job at all!

Later FuckFace!

Harry Potter Review!

A really cool thing's been happening lately.... I've been getting reports back from a lot of you about how much you liked the people that I've highlighted here in this space, which means I'm helping spread their audience. If I accomplished nothing else here than that it's all I could ever ask for.... so keep on checking out the new stuff.....
AND NOW....

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART II....

If you're looking for me to get vicious today you're going to be disappointed, I have no biting criticisms for this one. It was a solid movie and I thoroughly enjoyed my entire experience that night. Now, I don't get too into telling you everything that happened in a flik like most reviews, what the hell is the point in that? Giving a summary defeats the purpose of seeing for yourself. It starts up right where Part I lets off and picks up the action right away, which was great. I liked the way that they went about tying all the loose ends together and explaining what the hell was going on the entire time; nicely done. I didn't read any of the books, so I can't comment if it was done as well as it was supposed to, but for film series purposes it worked. On the downside it was pretty anti-climatic, especially considering it's the 8th installment of a series (that much build-up deserves more fireworks), and felt a little long, probably due to the lack of dramatic tension. They killed off a lot of big characters, but they needed to show more of the individual battles that caused their deaths. A lot it was "Oh, yeah, by the way... this one's dead". Still, the things that we done well, were done, er... well.

Got this photo here

Best scene of this flik by far was a tasty Emma Watson cleavage shot. (AAANNNDD.... he's back ladies and gentlemen!) She's going to have to get used to that if she wants to have a career beyond this. Jessica Biel made a great transition after 7th Heaven by tastefully showing off her wares (which I'd normally post a link to), so she won't have to become HerHiney Grinder or anything that crazy, but Playboy maybe? HUGE HIT THERE!

What I think a lot of people miss about the Harry Potter series, whether you think it's for kids or just plain gay, is just how incredible a feat it was that they were able to pull off here, especially in a Hollywood climate that sucks more than George Michael in a bathroom stall. While none of the films will make your eyes roll to the back of your head like my favorite porn star Monique Alexander will, they were able to pull off 8 every solid films over a 10 year span that never changed the tone of the original book series enough to have he die-hards really hootin and hollering while still managing to keep the interests of everyone else. From the very start the cast has been full of actors with real chops, great performers every one, not the sort of run of the mill slob that's here today gone tomorrow like most of these clowns today. And as for continuity, one of things that really makes me want to piss in someone's eye on most occasions, they kept the same kids in the same roles throughout the entire run as allowed us watch these characters grow from children to adults. Something even Back to the Future couldn't even pull off between one and two (Claudia Wells played McFly's girlfriend only to be switched to Elisabeth Shue, don't fuck with the babysitter!).

Anyway you look at it, whether you liked anything about the series at all, you have to appreciate when something is well done, especially in a world where so little is these days.

Monique Alexander



SO... I didn't go nuts today, off on my usually looney tirade, and I'm reserving a change up for tomorrow. But I DID happen to catch the best article I've seen in a long time about why movies are such shit lately, Everything That's Wrong with Hollywood by Kyle Smith, which you can catch right here. Remember, if you're going to read reviews it has to be written by someone you somewhat agree with. Kyle Smith here is usually pretty good and he pretty much hits every point he makes here on the head. Lou Lumenick of the same paper is a total douche, and I'm not the only asshole who thinks so as evidenced right here, Why Lumenick Sucks Ass!. You're not going to take advice on much from someone you think is a jackass, not unless you're a retard too. The jury's still out on that indictment.

For now that's it. Let's see what I can come up with tomorrow. In parting just ask yourself one question....
WHY AM I A ASSHOLE?!

Later ass!

The BEST story I've heard all week!

I wanted to start with this yesterday, but considering the title and topic I was going with I felt it would send the exact opposite message that I was going for about someone I so far think is fantastic, which proves I don't have my head completely up my own ass, but hey, everyone loves their own brand, right?

SO..... A couple of weeks ago I had mentioned that I went to the Bitter End in the village to see Emily Forst play when a pianist came on that blew my socks off. I had no reason to stay at that point of the night except to experience how phenomenal this artist was; she kept my ass in the chair even when I had planned to leave, which is the most ringing endorsement I think I can give to anyone. Well, her name is Nisha Asnani and there's no way you should let the chance to check her out for yourself pass you by. The link I have here, if you click on her name, will bring you to a place you can do that. And did I mention she's also pretty hot?

I've been talking about movies and celebrities a lot in the last few days, which won't always be the case, but yesterday I had gotten into Britney Spears and how she is now the leading lady in my train wreck of life hall of fame. I had to get into that because with all of the shitty remakes of movies that were only made 20 years ago and still so fresh in your memory that you can recite every line from them, and the ever popular ensemble cast flik full of decrepit former action stars that always just sucked to begin with, I think Hollywood is missing a tremendous opportunity to make a box office killing with the greatest ensemble film every conceptualized.

Now, the reason that there's no originality (or good movies) coming out these days is because YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT and pay good money to see the shit that they're pumping out. Then I have to hear how much you liked some trash version of the same flik you saw as a kid with asshole's who can't act like it's your kid's god damned high school play version of War Games (just one of many remakes on the horizon that will make me want to chain the theater doors, with you inside, and LIGHT THE PLACE ON FIRE!).

But what if we gathered together a crew of real fuck-ups, the sort of lunatic that we just can't stop talking about, and threw them into a story that makes celebrity rehab look like the fuckin Brady Bunch? Much like our leading actress Britney, it would be a beautiful disaster, the A-Team meets the Dream Team! With all the shitheads out there to choose from, you really can't go wrong, but my crew couldn't be beat! Who would I go with? EASY!

HOWLING MAD

The list begins and ends with Gary Busy. Who the hell else could you possibly consider? Finding a Busey crazy picture wasn't the problem, it was picking which one.

FACEMAN

"What are you in for? Drugs". All I can say is GIVE EM' THE HEATER RICKY! Have you ever seen Navy Seals? I swear Charlie Sheen was only playing him self in that.

B.A.



Nordberg! What can I say, maybe I took the easy way out on this one, but he brings his own Dream Team

But all these crazies in the same room, on the same suicide mission could go wildly out of control. What we need is a strong leader, someone who can unquestionably take the reigns and do the impossible. Who is need is....

HANNIBAL

None other than drunken Jew hating, wife beating Mel Gibson! How can you fuck with Braveheart? This patriot's going to go Lethal Martin Riggs on your ass! I love it when a plan comes together!

So now you see why I needed Britney, afterall, how can you bring it all together with out strong female lead? Come to think of it, maybe Spears isn't strong enough to hang with these nutsacks, maybe she's not off enough to hold her own. I was wrong yesterday; for the first time I'm really feeling the loss of Amy Winehouse.

THE BEST STORY I'VE HEARD ALL WEEK!

The news report said he was the puppy no one wanted, his brothers and sisters were all adopted ahead of him, the last one picked. That just makes it even better, and a great example for a lot of us. No matter what anyone else thinks of us, even those of us no one wants are capable of something great just by being themselves.

Alright fuckface, this has carried on long enough already, and I have to get back to work. Try not to suck too much dick on your way to the parking lot!

Later!

SKANKS.... Amy Winehouse and Britney Spears.... Ask and ye shall receive

  
So Amy Winehouse is dead.... GOOD! Skanks and crackheads are found dead behind dumpsters everyday, but you never hear anyone cry because some slob got bound and suffocated in garbage bags for refusing to suck some dude's cock after snorting all of his coke; refused her obligations in what I like to call Blow for Blow. Amazing how the tears well up and the love is showered down on the same type of piece of shit because they're somewhat famous. Meanwhile, these fuckin people need to be crackheads and skanks and whatever else. The very demons that drive them through that glass table, forcing the Olsen Twins to flush the rest of the stash in the toilet behind them is the very thing that fuels their art, the very thing you assholes love them for in the first place. Besides... could you imagine Jimi Hendrix alive now? He'd be in a back alley sucking dick for coke too!

Speaking of people swirling down life's long toilet towards, well, that aint the light... it's only a matter of time before Lindsey Lohan wraps herself into a tree. I thought she'd be perfect for this next spot, but she hadn't done anything really worth mentioning lately, much less set up what I had wanted to go with. I didn't know what to do, and then it happened....

ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE!

I needed a celebrity to go on a tirade, showing us all how fucked in the head these douchebag's can really be, put themselves into our trainwreck of life hall of fame, but it wasn't coming. Until finally Uncle Fester over here made her triumphant return

Do you remember when Britney Spears was so damn hot (and innocent, lol) that every red blooded male with a pulse would have lined up like a 12 year old at a Harry Potter sighting to shell out millions just to de-flower her? How the mighty have fallen! Now she's such a dirty pig that her former body guard is sueing her for trying to coerce him into sex. Apparently this slob walks into rooms ripping ass while picking her nose and eating it. But you can't blame her, after all it's only the munchies. She's throwing down every pill she can get her hands on, getting gang banged by random dudes 3 and 4 at a time, and not washing their manjuice, or the shit out of the crack of her ass for weeks. Then she bends over, displaying the shit caked crust around her rotted gash, giving anyone around a good sniff. In other words... she's Randy Quad's daughter from Vacation.

(Here's a video that has nothing to do with anything at all, just because I thought you needed a video, but somehow it seems to fit)

Shit, if I went on just talking about celebrity sluts, whores and skanks I could be here all day, and I'm trying to keep these things short and sweet for you, so I'm going to leave it here. It all feels a bit rushed today, like destroying the evidence at Heath Ledger's farewell address, but the important thing is that it sets up what I'll be going with next.

CONGRATULATIONS BRITNEY SPEARS, you're now our leading lady in our project for a new tomorrow!

Tune in tomorrow kiddies, same bat time, same bat channel!

CAPTAIN AMERICA SUCKS ASS PART DEUX!!! really this time

Ok, so I had meant to get into telling why you shouldn't be getting your hopes up or expecting anything at all from the new Cap flik before I got side tracked, so here it goes. And if you're reading thing through an RSS feed, it's just come to my attention that the video's may not be popping up for you. Go to the main page for that, it'd be a shame to miss the shit I put up here.

This is the coolest shot from the entire thing. You can check it out from the official site here: Captain America

I'm a huge fan of the character and was really looking forward to seeing this shit, hence the Thursday night midnight showing, and I left the theater with a bad taste in my mouth rivaling the wine bottle cork in the ass experience I used to give my customers in Vegas, but that's a tale for another time.

It seems that every time I go to see a midnight show there's some kind of major fuck up that ruins the entire thing. I guess running a projector is too difficult a task for some people, or maybe they were sucking dick and playing games up there, which at least would be a good excuse for why my $18 movie had the sound cut out over long stretches 3 god damned times. It's shit like this that makes malls like Atlas park completely tank when the only attraction in the place can't get their shit together. Maybe that's why I hated it so much, maybe it was just the Disney touch, I don't know, but there was definitely some Mickey Mouse bullshit going on.

I guess the effect that they were going for was the cheesy, campy style flik that we got in wonders such as Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow  and The Phantom. The problem is that those movies licked the back of my sweaty nutsack too. In defense of the film makers, if you've ever read the original Captain America stuff it's all just as campy, which I guess is what they were going for. The problem is that it nevers works when they try to make movies that way, you end up shelling out good money that you'd have been better off using up in that projection booth or behind some back alley dumpster with a $3 whore. And when all the trailors make it look like a gritty war film... well, this was way off the mark.

Once Cap gets his power the story jumps from one thing to another without any attempt to build a story at all beyond "Hey, we've got to get that cocksucker!" Maybe if they had put it that way, or shown 7 boobs, 3 butts and explosions ala Joe Bob Briggs (now THAT guy is god damned genius Gump!), I'd have been into it more. The CGI was absolutely horrible. It reminded me another shit slop, which was the 2005 King Kong. That mess had entire scenes where it looked to me like shit rolling down hill.

On the bright side though, it wasn't a total loss. The cast was great and did everything that they could with this pile. Hugo Weaving was incredible as the Red Skull, who just looked insane, and Tommy Lee Jones was outstanding. There were also a good amount of funny one liners, and there were times when I got chills down my spine seeing Captain America on screen, reminding me of what it means to be a true leader (Other than my mouth, I'm a fuckin boy scout).

Maybe I'll appreciate this more when it comes out on video, which is what I recommend you wait for to see it, but the 1990 Captain America starring Ned Fuckin Beatty was a better movie. And if you disagree, then maybe you should take a good hard look at yourself and your taste, because you're the fuckin problem, the real reason hollywood won't even attempt to make a good film to save my cancerous left nut! They don't have to cause you're an idiot.

SQUEEL LIKE A PIG FUCKFACE!

Later!

Captain America Sucks Ass and the Greatest Knockout EVER!!!

Due to the ball sweltering heat this past weekend (not to be confused with Ball Swallows, which I've been mistakenly calling Roland Orzabal, lead singer for Tears for Fears for years now), I took the perfect opportunity to get back into one of the great loves I have, which is of course the movies. I watched a ton of them the last few days now. So I caught Thursday night's midnight showing of Captain America at the Atlas Park Mall and the horrid experience quickly reminded me of every reason that I stopped going to the theater in the first place. But I'll get back to that in a minute because first I have to show you....

THE GREATEST KNOCKOUT EVER!!!

Way back in 2004 I was sitting in my closet of a bedroom flipping through the channels on my tiny bullshit television when I came across a boxing match. Now, one of my favorite things in the world is watching chicks beat the fuck out each other, it ranks right along with people getting kicked. So when I happened across this fight I had to see what was going to happen. Out comes this small black woman walking up to a massive white chick looking every bit like Apollo Vs. Ivan Drago (and if you don't get that reference, fuck off!), except Drago's wearing the American flag trunks this time around. No way this little lady (she aint no lady, folks) has a fuckin chance in hell until, sure enough, she unloads a massive haymaker and catches that big bitch right on the button. Her legs crumble and she goes down in a heap. IT WAS THE SHIT!!!

I was screaming from that shot, the woman's eye's rolled in the back of her head, that shit was GREAT! But when I tried telling people about it they couldn't appreciate it's beauty, because I had no idea who the fuck it was in that fight, afterall, who gives a shit who the chicks are pounding on each other as long as there are two broads slugging it out, right? For years I'd been kicking myself over it, wishing I could see that punch one more time, with no hope of ever finding out who it was. How many women boxing fans are there really? Hell, the whole damn sport is dying, right?

But that was until Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel, Gumble, Gumble (as Dennis Miller would say) aired a special on a tough as nails female boxing trainer by the name of Ann Wolfe, and let me tell you, she's a BAD bitch! (But I wouldn't say that shit to her face, she'll fuck me up!)

And to my glee, my great joy, they replayed the clip of the GREATEST KNOCKOUT EVER! You have to see this!

How awesome is this shot? Look at her eyes!

She got knocked the FUCK OUT!

Ok, so maybe laughing at people getting kicked makes me an asshole, but it's just one of many reasons. I've always said you've got to go with your strengths, and I'm damn good at it. The BEST is when people get kicked in the face, and fuck you if you're not into that, because just like getting hit by a bus or blasted into a million pieces by the 4:05 train, how the fuck did you not see that coming? Think about it, no matter what the situation, however you got yourself in a position to get kicked in the face, you did it to yourself. You deserve that shit!

I'm going to try and keep these things short and sweet for you from now on, and besides, I've got to go jerk off, and that might take all night (I've been sitting on my hand for the last hour, gives it a different feel, ya know?)

I never did back to why CAPTAIN AMERICA SUCKS ASS did I? Fuck it. I'll get back to that tomorrow.

Later Fuckface!